I think I've got it!!!!!

Okay, so... I've been back for a month, roughly. Being worthless, having fun, trying to make some sense of this house with my mother, but mostly being worthless. I got my bicycle back from my buddy Jason, and replaced the tubes, the seat, and gave it a horn, so I could go and find a job. Then I took it for a test run to make sure I put it together right. ---"Umm, MOMMY!!!!!- can you drive me up to get a job??!!!" --- You see... I had forgotten about the 20 pounds I'd gained, the fact that I live in Arizona, and that the date is JULY FRIGGIN TWENTY-SEVENTH!!!! Can we say, impossible?

But guess WHAT?! K, so mom gave me the number to the daycare right up the road. (like two blocks away) I haven't worked in a day care for quite some time, over two years maybe. But goodness knows that is the one thing that I can do with my eyes closed, and that is one job that brings me more joy than (don't tell my daddy) a regular lay. So I call, and I ask if they're hiring. Expecting to hear for the fifth time that day, NO!!! But the very sweet sounding lady on the phone almost desparately says, "Yes, can you come fill out an application right now?" Whoa!!! So mom drives me up there (again, the temp. is 111) and I talk to the same lady, who says they need help badly, because enrollment is through the roof. I ask her if she has any positions in particular that need filled, informing her that my favorite, and most experienced ages are two and ones. She says to me, "How would a full time one's teacher sound to you?" Holy, can I kiss you??!! So I fill out the huge application, talk to them for a second, and arrange for an interview the next day, at 2:00pm. ---I went in today at 2:00, and talked to this really cool girl that works in the two's room. She was about my age, and really made my nervousness vanish! She interviewed me for about 20 minutes, and we were both super-excited! All the information she gave me about the place seemed perfect for me, and she was blown away by my responses to her questions. She told me, and everyone else we passed that worked there, that if it were up to her, I'd be hired right there! She gave me the tour, introduced me to everyone, one girl I recognized from middle school, and she totally remembered me. It was AWESOME!! I am SO EXCITED!! So this coming monday, when the director gets back from her personal time off, she's gonna call me and arrange for a second interview, at which (the assistant director said) we'll get all the paper work started, so I can get in and help them!! I AM SO HAPPY.

So, tomorrow, mom and I are going to go get my fingerprint clearance card from the police department, so I can have that upon my second interview. The girls all also said that they needed to renew their CPR and first aid certifications, so I could join them. Dude, this is all seeming to be so perfect. I am more excited than words can explain. I'm not going to be worthless anymore!! The only thing I'm a little nervous about is the tattoo on my wrist, which isn't very friendly. I love it, and don't regret getting it, and if they don't like it, too bad, but still, I hope these people can see past the art I chose to put on myself. Cause, yeah, that'd be great, thanks! In case you're curious, the artist from whom it was inspired is named H.R. Giger. He has a website, if you're THAT interested. It is a twisted art form, but I love it.

Anyway.... There's my last couple days in a nutshell. If you're reading this, Rachel: I've gotten over the jobless hump... I think. did I just curse myself? Does that mean my chances are shot? Does this mean suicide...again?

I've run out of funnies....

Good morning/afternoon/evening, everybody! Hope we all had a good weekend! Would you like to hear about mine?! If not, drag your mouse up to the top right hand side of this window, click the red square with the "X" in it, and EFF OFF!
Hee hee! Um, where do we start... Friday night I hung out with Kelli, and all kinds of other good buddies, including a man who I REALLY am going to marry, named Zach. The only thing is, Zach is not a big drinker-- um, whoa, hold on a minute... did I just say that? Maybe I can cool it a little bit and we'll be good. Anyway, we all had a blast. Went for a walk (5 of us) over the footbridge for the freeeway, did a little roof climbing, watched poor Kelli kind of fall off the roof, landing on the gate with a leg over either side of it... youch. Stayed up til about 5:00am-ish. It was fun. But the weekend didn't really start til Saturday-- We were all going to Crown King, AZ-- which is a BEAUTIFUL very small town up in the mountains, about 7,000 feet up. There is about 60-90 people who live there full time. Everybody I went with goes there pretty often. This was my first time, though. Anyway... So there's one bar, they had karaoke Sat. night. Kelli sang a lot of songs. I danced a little, I am not a singer. Don't try. I'm just fine with that. I could not believe how laid back, polite, and fun the people in this town were! It was awesome! Everyone made you feel completely comfortable, and welcome. I GOT SHITFACED!!! We stayed at the bar for lots of hours. Kelli and I rode her Banshee back to the cabin-- we walked the first time, but it was pouring down rain for so long that the road to the cabin was flooded. It was like, 50 feet of half-foot deep water, and either side of the road was covered with trees and bushes. So we get back, Kelli and Aaron (her baby-daddy) passed out, and my buddies Matt, and Jason and I went over to the cabin next door. There were a bunch of people hanging out outside, and they recognized us from the bar. They were pretty damn cool. We all kept drinking til like, 4 in the morning-- then when we went home I couldn't lay down cause my head was spinning. Jason told me to go make myself puke, and I'd be fine. I said if I did that, I'd be puking all night,and all day, but finally he talked me into it... and... guess what happened!!! Dawn's vomiting everywhere.
The next day, we all went out for breakfast... I mean, everyone else had breakfast, I hung out at the table until I finally could puke again, and then ate the dry parts of my buttered toast, and had as much water as I could stomache... I hate water... Then we all went back to the lake. A 6 mile drive on terrible roads, where we could only bump around at 15 MPH. I did pretty well. I didn't puke until we were a half mile away from our destination point. Came home, slept, whatever...

But listen to this!!!!!! Okay, so, last Friday, when I was stupid... When I hung out with Eric's cousin all night... and he made me hate Hamiltons... Well, I talked to Eric about it. I told him exactly what happened, and even that I didn't want to talk to him after that whole night. But I did. I didn't tell him I loved him, though. Anyway... that night/day, I didn't want to come out of Todd (the cousin)'s room, because he lives with Eric's sister, and I knew she would develope some scandelous story about me sleeping with Todd. GUESS WHAT??!! (excuse my potty mouth daddy) That fucking cunt did exactly that! Eric called me yesterday: "So, I talked to my sister earlier..." -and I say-"Yeah, how was that?" -here's Eric again- "She elaborated on your night with Todd..." What in the fuck??!!! Excuse the fuck out of me.... I told him exactly what happened, I told him EVERYTHING. And you talk to your moronic-drama-obsessed-ugly sister, who obviously is so dissatisfied with herself, that she feels the need to fill your head with stupid lies that do nothing but cause problems and make you unhappy??!! What a selfish, and pathetic piece of shit!! All this is nothing I care too deeply about, because I AM DONE with that family, it's just so ridiculous that this girl thinks her life is worth living!!! I can't wait to see her again, I'm gonna make myself laugh so hard!! My favorite thing to do about people I hate is sit close and talk shit where they can ACTUALLY HEAR ME, and hope that she wants to "go." hee hee. I don't fight... I just want the opportunity to talk shit to her face. I'm so mad, how can people lie so much!! That is SO LAME!! Eric can think whatever he wants. He hasn't been my boyfriend for a while, as far as I'm concerned.

Screw this, I'm outty five-thou, my niggas!!!

Hey, man!! Check it out!

I'm freakin posting, okay!!!! I didn't think anybody gave a damn! I thought I was the only one who thought I was interesting. You all don't have to lie to me! I am well aware that you're just reading all this because my mommy has something over your heads... Hee hee...
Okay, let's see... My friend's dog just had to be put down, and she doesn't seem to realize that every day can only be as crappy as you make it... Please don't think I'm an insensitive beeyotch... The dog had cancer, and it really needed to be let go. I love the girl to death, I guess I just don't deal with upset people too well. I wish I knew what I could do... I guess I cheer her up by being the cool, and funny, and charming, person who smells good, and has a great laugh, and is beautiful, and doesn't weigh more than she wants.......... Holy crap... I'm day dreaming. So anyway, back to my point... We were gonna take her out to this bar that she goes to almost every Thursday (okay, she's only been there twice in the last month)--(man, I lie so much!) cause they have NICKEL BEERS!!!! And it was our girlfriend's birthday, so we thought it would be good for her. I caught a ride up with the only girl I've ever thought so much of, my friend named Kelli. We were both pretty loaded upon arrival, parked... (i mean we caught a cab: kids, don't drink and drive...) and went in to grab a few beers, and apparently, there is this older guy that comes in periodically, and pays for ALL the ladies' beers ALL night! He was kinda creepy, but wasn't a perv. It was super-sweet! So we stayed there for a couple hours, and Kelli ran into these kids she grew up with. They were pretty cool. The birthday girl wanted to leave, which sucked, cause we were having a blast! The band sucked! The beer sucked! We had all we could ask for, right? So we went to pull out of the parking lot, (in a cab, right, audience?) and Kelli, (or as I like to refer to her as... retard!) in her brand new super-truck, goes scraping across the bumper of this nasty old beater! This four-foot dent went all down the side... She about shit! She was so upset, especially because her baby-daddy had an attitude before we left anyway. She knew she was going to get YELLED AT! Poor girl, I was like, "Dude, it was like that when we came out... hit and run, right?-- Somebody did it TO YOU!!" (I got your back, girl...)


*Let me inform you: there is NO way anybody could have produced this huge blemish.
It was ALL her, and it was ALL too obvious, then again, baby-daddy Is a moron...

Wasn't that fun??!! This morning, my good buddy who's in Iraq right now, was on the computer, so we "IM"-ed each other for, like, an hour. Maybe not a full hour, regardless, it was so nice to get to talk to him. I guess we e-mail each other almost every day, whatever. I made him go out and get Team America: World Police. For those of you who are oblivious to this masterpiece, go out and get it. It is pure genius, at it's best, even. It is hilarious. Oh, yeah: Trey Parker, you know him as my husband, wrote it. I think I've told this to you already... Okay, I've become exremely uninteresting again. So I will let all of you get back to whatever you have to do. Have a good day, seriously. This comes from my heart. Anybody who takes time and interest in my feelings and thoughts, deserves a great day. Take care of yourselves.

--Insert clever phrase here--

I deleted what I wrote previously. I did not want my little sisters to read, in depth, what I put myself through this past friday. I fell back into a funk, and made a mistake that I wish I was sober enough to stop. I did learn something else, though. Learning sucks. Learning hurts. I learned that I am SO DONE with the family I involved myself with about a year and a half ago. My "boy" in New York, as far as I'm concerned now,will no longer be my boy. I allowed myself to become involved with someone who is far too similar to me. We were set off by the same things, and we had the same flaws. I will only prolong my "I don't really give a shit" attitude if I stay with this boy. I need to find someone who can feed me more of this "do good for you" outlook on life. For the time being, I will do it on my own. It would be great if this perfect guy came along in the near future, but I think I can handle being without him for a good while.
I'm starving. Anybody wanna go get some Outback?! I love me a good, rare, filet mignon, side of veggies, please, and a salad with ranch. Sure, ranch is fine. I'd also like a good strong beverage. ooh, I can have a beverage here. Then again, is the wrath of the girl who dislikes an every night drinker worth a beverage? Is it possible for me to do anything right? Or am I destined to be the example of what not to do?
Can I lay down some curse words? I really feel like it. I'm angry. I'm frustrated. I hate people who pretend they are your friend. They all "really care," don't they? I don't pretend. If I don't really care that much about you, I'm not going to make you think that my shoulder is for your tears. I am a very compassionate person, don't get me wrong, and I give everyone as much respect and concern as I would like, but in the long run--- I don't know where I'm going with this. I hate fake people. I have been raised to not be fake, and to live with all my heart. Where are all the people who care? The only care I see in this world is, "what does Cosmo say I should be wearing this season?" "What's the latest diet, so I can look like a sickly whore?"
Speaking of which: I really hope in the future I don't have a daughter. If I do, I hope I can compete with the smut that is this world. I cannot watch TV without being disgusted in what my poor sisters are watching. --cleveage, my ass hanging out of my shorts at 12, the obsession of what boys think of me at age 9, only making it worse as you grow older.When I was a little girl, I could give two shits about boys. I mean, yeah, I had my crushes, but that is ALL I see these poor girls doing today. The only friends I had for more than one school year was my guy friends. I did not hang out with them because "it's so cool, I'm the only girl in this crowd!!" It was because I could talk to guys. They weren't judging me for what I was wearing, and I didn't care either. They just liked my company, and I enjoyed theirs. We laughed, we learned what growing up was, we had a BLAST! It makes me sick to see girls today, living their lives to impress. And the way I see girls acting around guys, holy, get a grip on yourself!! You look like a moronic floosy!

As you can see it's a slow topic day. I just said nothing in all that mess! Sorry, one vent lead to another. Have a great day!! Thanks for listening.

I WILL MARRY TREY PARKER...pass it on...

Hello, to all who think I am half-way interesting! (and boy, are you confused!) I don't have too much to talk about today. I am being a bum. STILL! I woke up this morning at about 9:00am, finally got to listen to my favorite voice (aside from Trey), Glenn Beck. He is a genius. So, that gets over at 11:00, and then I fell back asleep. Being a highly motivated person in general.... I woke back up at 3:00pm. Can we all say, "Dawn, you are a loser. And a slob. And a fatso. And, you smell bad!" Thank you in advance for your cooperation.
So about the job thing... the chaos that has been my life, in a house of six females, me playing the mediator, because there's no getting around it, (THIS IS WHY I PREFER MALE FRIENDS AND ROOM MATES...PERIOD) anyway... I've been trying to help out with the crap going on around here- staying home with the girls, while my mom is caring for her crazy mother, and her friend who just had a sick baby. I then, was at the Sanders's's, house-sitting... which was great. The only thing stopping me from getting out there and hunting is..... um, more than one thing.... First, I have no vehicle... which doesn't even matter considering my license is suspended. My license is suspended because of a couple tickets I got about a year ago, when I was too twacked out to care to make it to my court date. In order to get my license back, (and in learning this, I broke down into a sob--- which is crazy, because I DON'T CRY...EVER---man, i'm a horrible liar...) it is going to cost me $856.80. Holy effing-- where will I get that??!! Oh yeah, a job. Another reason I am reluctant to take care of business, is, well, I guess I got my hopes up SO high, thinking about how I had that $35,000/year job "in the bag." I never heard anything back, even though I left a couple messages with the recruiter. That son of a bitch. I was so sure about that damn job. Now, it's like, I don't even want to go to these bars I have written down as possibilties, cause I'm disappointed, not to mention, when I was on tweek I covered every god-damned place in this city. Back then, I needed a job, especially to support my habit, but I certainly didn't want one. I would have rather sat at home and got all fucked up, all day, all night. A few places called me back, but I never followed through.
So there it is. No car, no license (unless i have $900.00), not even a bike, few new places to show my face for employment, and the tempurature outside is, on average daily, 112 degrees. Oh yeah, and I'm a worthless piece of turd.
I talked to the E-to-the (my boy in NY) yesterday. I miss him. I miss having someone to talk to all the time, whose thoughts and opinions are so very similar to mine. He is near genius, he is hilarious, he is a blast. We could hang out and joke around all day and night about anything, or nothing at all. I love him. I still, am glad that I will have this time to take care of myself, but I cannot wait to see his handsome face, and be in his big, muscular arms. I'm a nerd.
Holy, can I get somebody to publish this novel!!?? I will stop taking up your time, I will now shut my mouth.

Oh, wait... if anybody knows Trey Parker, can you please ask him to be my husband.

Anybody got an extra box?

I've been house-sitting for a few days, now. It's quite nice. Peace and quiet... my book... a good selection of CD's... nice fish tanks... A LACK OF FIVE OTHER FEMALES!!! (praise Ala) (I don't even know who Ala is, or if I spelled it right...) Anyway I went and hung out with Stephen last night. Q.) Ummmm, you learn something every day???..... A.) Good God, yes!!!!! I learned that sometimes you feel like there could "still be something"-- I guess I didn't fully believe that, but I was overtaken by the sexual attraction i felt... Regardless... there will be no more of this "Dawn calling Stephen" bullcrap. After last night, I know that all of the giddy-ness I was "feeling" is nothing compared to reality. I feel terrible about myself. After hanging out with the dude, all I could do was compare every comment and opinion- differing from mine- that has always been completely agreed on by my boy, Eric.

...I am done with that subject.... I could go on about all this, but I don't want to feel it anymore...

So I am sitting at my mom's house for the time being. She has asked me to come and assist her with a conversation.... I don't know... can't I just go home??


gotta go talk now..... DAMN IT!

Titles are highly over-rated...

What it is, world? I have not written in quite some time... I guess the novelty wore off. Let's start with some cool words: Shit, damn, fart, poopy, fuck-dick. Okay that was fun. Things are getting crazy around the house. I see stupid things that I think are gay, and feel the need to voice my opinion... Who am I to "judge" a sixteen year old? Excuse me if I don't want to see my parents treated the same way I treated them? What a hypocrite, right? Well I've learned a lot in my day, and I guess I just expect the people closest to me to get it before I did. I guess I just don't realize that it took me forever to see how selfish I was being. I have not blamed anyone for the pain I have suffered. I do not dwell on it. I am responsible for my own actions, and I am responsible for taking everything I've been through, and making something out of it. I have become the strong person I am because of the things that I have put myself through, and the things I have been through that were not up to me. Parents are here to do the best job they can, in knowing what they know, and seeing what they have seen. My parents have opened their hearts, and their home to many children, and many situations, and I will not stand by and listen to an angry little girl tell my mother that she wishes she was not adopted by her. If you are reading this... Do not take my words personally, and I love you no matter what. Let's just look at the situation: Excuse me for saying it, but you are sixteen. You are mad about not getting your way, and you are mad when someone says you are not "being responsible." I know-- in being there myself that is annoying and you will not be able to talk calmly because you feel like you are being attacked. But if you could please just look at ---- I'm going to stop here. I will make no change in any young mind at this point. I will say this, though: A lot of people were very happy to make the sacrifices they have made for you. BE THANKFUL. Being a teenager sucks, but think about the angry words that your foul tongue are forming. Deal with being a teenager, and deal with the drama that it entails, not only caused by your parents.
Why am I wasting my time? Why do I think that my words might make a difference? You know what: I don't think that. I do know, though, that it hurt me- TERRIBLY- to hear the words I heard. And it kills me to think that a life filled with all that it would be filled with, seems "better" to you. Perhaps it doesn't. I hope it doesn't. I know that anger leads to such words... It's dinner time.....