Cursor by www.Soup-Faerie.Com Nonsensicallyingenius: June 2005

Thursday, June 30, 2005

A lost soul

I don't know where to start... I went and applied at this place my buddy works at. He has been at this job for years and years. He said he could easily get me in. It's like a secretarial job; assisting the people who sell computer parts, keeping track of orders, i think, and/or what-not. It's a job starting at thirty-five grand a year, guaranteed! I'm not sure if i've already mentioned all this, but i'm super excited, and will be devastated if i don't get this job! I'll get over it quick, like i do everything, but how stoked would i be if i could pay everyone i owe lickety-split! And i could get a place soon, and a car! Hopefully i can land this thing.
Eric, i guess, has called everyday... I wasn't informed of this until today, that he has been leaving messages that i never got. I was under the impression he wasn't calling. I was getting a little worried. I saw my ex boy last night. Everytime i see him i want to hang out with him, alone. I've never lost the physical attraction we always had. He's super sexy. It wasn't until last night that we hung out for real. It was always a little weird. But it would seem he's still got that attraction for me. (nothing happened between us... i swear... i also lie...) It will be left as is... him as a touring "rock star" and me as the girl he once shared something with. I'm at a miserable stand still. I've no money, no job, no absolutely wonderful friends who want to hang out, and help me to escape my almost 24 year old life, still living with my parents. It makes me feel pretty crappy. I know my parents are happy to have me back and are cool with helping me, but i've had my own space for, like, 7 years.
I'm bored with playing on the computer for now. Have a good day/ a good night.

Saturday, June 25, 2005

You never know what you've got until it's gone...

I believe a wise man once said that; or maybe it was a woman... Regardless, they weren't kidding! I spent too much time focusing on what Eric and my relationship was lacking. Who doesn't, right? But now that my boy is on the other side of the country, I want him back. The weird thing is, I don't even know where our relationship stands. I just wanted to go home, and he couldn't, (for some reason or another... maybe money.) Being as untrusting as I am, I'm afraid he'll jump at the opportunity to catch a "new piece of ass" (sorry for the vulgarity) and who's to say that if I meet someone, I won't see what they have to offer me. I guess it's quite obvious that this issue needs to be resolved before somebody gets hurt. Ask me why it hasn't come up, and I'd have no answer for you. I'm just babbling again. I miss "E," as I call him, and it's super-tough for me to be back home where I have no privacy, no territory of my own, (I'm sharing a room with my 16 year old sister) and I no longer have my boy, who knows me better than anyone at the moment-- emotionally, at least. Looking back at us, right now, it's hard to remember the aggravation that came up. I can't even tell if every time I got mad, it was with good reason, or if "crazy-jealous-Dawn" just requires way too much attention for her own good. I've thought that on and off with every boy I was with. Nobody's perfect, I guess, and you have to take the good with the bad, of course, but how much trial and error will it take to find someone who is as close to what I want as you might be able to get?
After being a fan of his for a while now, and seeing a lot of his work, which is so close to my sense of humor, and outlook on everyday happenings...I'm convinced that I am destined to marry Trey Parker: co-creator of numerous ingenious works, including "Cannibal the Musical," "South Park," "Orgazmo," "Team America: World Police," (which is the best movie EVER thought up) and many other pieces. Not to mention, he's super-handsome!!! So if anyone has his number, or address, please leave a comment. Preferably not one informing me that I'm obsessed...
Well, to all of you who consider my writing worth reading, thank you. Thank you to those of you who also take the time to leave a comment... Except for my mom... listen lady, I've got to live with you and hear what you have to say first hand, ALL DAY, EVERYDAY, or at least until I land a job and find a place. So please keep your comments to yourself....

Post Script: just kidding, mommy :-) I'm glad you've taken an interest in my blog. I love you, and thank you for providing me with shelter, and someone to talk to.

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Oh, hello.

Let's see, where was I? So after living here for 19 years, and being with Eric for about a year, I accepted his invitation to move across the country with him. I felt that I'd had enough of Arizona for at least a little while, and that moving that far away was something I could easily handle. Plus it was a great idea to get the heck away from the crowd I was hanging out with! We moved in with his brother, sister-in-law, and their children: two, and 5months. Eric's brother is probably my favorite person in the whole world. He is an awesome guy, and him and his wife were very welcoming and supportive of our moving out there to get a fresh, clean start. We stayed with them for about a month- the lack of space eventually got to us all- and Eric and I finally found an apartment about ten miles away. At first, I landed a job @ this cool little bar, but after almost two months, my boss got pancreatic cancer, and closed down the place. I was forced to take the only job available to me- an outsider of this town many had lived there for generations- at a ghetto grocery store: IGA. ----(I am not putting down those of you who are in this line of work by any means, more power to you, it takes more patience than I have to offer, I guess... I can easily deal with 15 screaming 2 year olds, and toss poopy diapers, but bagging picky old peoples' goods is not something I'll soon do again.)---- I started at $6.00 per hour, and after another couple months got a .50 cent raise. la-dee-da. Life out there was boring and expensive; AND BEAUTIFUL! I got my first taste of a real winter, moving out there in the beginning of December, and also realized what humidity really is. I dealt with winter better than I thought I would, but the humidity, you can have!!! I lasted 7 months, but eventually, really wanted my family and friends back. I moved out of my parents' when I was 16, and pretty much stayed out, but being so far away, and not having the option to see everyone was too much. We didn't even have a phone the whole time. We would have to drive the 10 miles to Bill's (eric's bro) to call anyone.
Blah, blah, blah... So I'm back here, living with the parents... TEMPORARILY, until I land a decent job or two and get my own damn place. For the first time in my life, I have this strange feeling in my gut, urging me to do good for myself. I've gone through life, just playing everything by ear. Sometimes making a lot of money, and holding my head semi-straight, other times, pawning things that didn't even belong to me so I could catch a buzz. But it's really weird- I feel like I really want to go and get a job and make myself happy. Since I ran away, I would always be in a "serious" relationship, and lived with my boyfriend, and I would live for-and do for US. I've never just been on my own, and doing for ME. I think I'm growing up, everybody.... Don't tell anyone, but I think this "don't give a shit, party-girl" has realized what I HAVE TO DO in order to be happy for real. I'm super-excited that I've found this motivation in myself, but I'm scared that it will dwindle away again, and soon I'll be back to square one- pissed and poor. I guess only time will tell. I really do think this feeling that is overwhelming my heart and mind, though, is one of maturity, and self worth. I've never felt I was even worth MY time!! Maybe this feeling is actually just an alien that has impregnated me and now there's a foreign body taking over my existence! Maybe all this motivation is the offspring, preparing to take over the world, at my expense. Call the CIA-- quick, get me exterminated!!
I think I've spilled my guts enough today, or at least for the moment... Plus I live with three teenage girls who live in this very computer chair, and I'm in the way.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Here's more than a sentence for you...

I began my very eventful odyssey on this planet in Detroit, Michigan, on October second. We drove across country to live in Arizona, and arrived here on my fourth birthday. We lived in the same general area for most of my life, and I've been through some very learning experiences. While working @ this bar/grill place, I eventually met this guy that came in quite often- his sister was my manager/friend. I used to watch him walk to the bar next door and joke around that he WAS my boy, or at least,would be eventually. And how! We finally started hanging out and from the beginning, hit it off better than I'd ever imagined. We got into some pretty ugly stuff, I,soon,was a real live tweeker. We pretty much started living together right off the bat, and became completely dependant on "the shit." After ten months of all that, we were "caught," and he was sent to New York to live with his brother, and get all straightened out. When he came back after a month, we were both clean, and he had asked me to move back to New York with him...
Well, it's more than a sentence...But I gotta go. Continue eventually.

In the beginning...

Back from the Empire state.