my heart is hurting...

and for those of you that don't really care, get lost.

My boy and I kind of had our first issue last night. You see, I'm a crazy jealous bitch, and thought I was controlling myself okay, but apparently not. Things didn't get ugly, but I have a few things in my life that I really need to sit down and think about. Like how my self esteem issues can affect my relationships in the worst way possible. And how when I get a little intoxicated it only gets worse. And I'm getting older and have nothing to show for myself but a small amount of knowledge.

My heart hurts. I have fallen really hard for this guy, and I think he likes me just as much, but I'm gonna fuck everything up if I can't control the issues that have been a part of who I am for so long. I'm sick of myself. I'm sick of letting dumb shit like this bother me. I am having a hard time really wanting to give any relationship a chance, because I hate to admit that I hurt. I don't like thinking so much about crap. I'm gonna stay away from booze for a little while. Find myself again. Or something. At least I'll save some money. And maybe drop a few pounds. Then again, if I look back on other things in my life that I was going to do to help myself, I'd have to remember that some things I haven't followed through with. Most things...? Or have I even tried to do that in a while...? At all...? I don't know, man. I'm just feeling sorry for myself because I'm confused. Feeling things confuses me. That's why i like to live without feeling. Then I can't hurt. And that's always great.

...The boy and I are fine. He just very calmly told me that he really likes me, but if this is going to work, I'm going to have to 'ignore the hype' that I have going on inside my head when I'm feeling less than what I am. That made no sense... lots of stuff up in there doesn't.