Nonsensicallyingenius

a year ago less than a month ago

2010-04-05T11:28:00.000-07:00

Hello there! i'm back for my terribly seldom post... I noticed my last post started off with another breakup. it's a good thing i ended it when i did. although sometimes a sensitive heart can be taken advantage of. So dude wanted to meet up with me and have a couple drinks before his departure to Pennsylvania; which he decided upon after the heartbreak he suffered from losing such a bad ass bitch:) i agreed to this, as we were still speaking regularly. our last 'date' would fall on a saturday evening, March 14th, 2009. wow... it's crazy to think how recent that was even though the title already gave it away... we went to the usual spot. the normal crowd was there and the normal things went down. at one point one of the karaoke hosts jokingly danced on my lap for a split second. --this was apparently considered to be disrespectful on my part. an angry ex boyfriend and an even tempered ex girlfriend left the bar. i received insult after insult, accusation after holler on the bike ride back to my house- which, we didn't even make halfway through before i was cut off on my bike by the angry ex boyfriend's. it seemed as though he was not happy with my inability to accept i was a fat piece of shit who deserved to die. he threw a solid right hook at my face and i flew to the ground. i could feel my back molar had been jarred up and partially out of my gums. i was bleeding profusely from the mouth. instinct and adrenaline threw me right back on my bike and peddled my 5'4" 160lb body home faster than my 6'2" 230lb attacker. i struggled to get the door open, smearing blood all over the deadbolt and handle, made my way in running out of one shoe, and locked myself in the bathroom, horrified and bewildered. how could i possibly have gotten myself involved with a 'man' who would do this? the door came flying in forcefully followed by dude's foot. he had taken my phone and mocked my cries to have it back or just please get out of my way. i pushed through his side and the door frame and pleaded for my phone so i could call the police- he continued to claim he was calling them now, because i was at fault. i carefully made my way down the hall, losing my other shoe, to the back yard where my friend's labrador was. he was still yelling at me through the sliding glass door and blamed me for making him hit me. he turned around and punched the light fixture in the dining room and i took this opportunity to jump the back wall and ran faster than i ever have around the block and thought it would be best for me to take cover in the back yard of an abandoned house. i stayed there approximately 15-20 mins and then continued my walking/running/bawling journey 2 miles down the road to my friend's home. i showered, told her the story, and settled into her bed, finally safe. when i woke to a puddle of blood and a severely swollen face. it was suggested i should go to the hospital. i hated that idea. i don't like doctors and i didn't want to stretch this out any longer than the hour episode already was. most of the day past and i got no better, the bleeding did not stop and my friends became more and more worried. they finally convinced me to go to the ER. after a couple hours, a few interviews, and filed domestic abuse case it was discovered that the mother fucker had broken my jaw in 2 places. because of the shape of this bone i'm pretty sure most the time one break leads to a mirrored break. regardless... i pressed charges, i had to have my jaw surgically wired shut and went on a liquid diet for 6 weeks, except for a chili dog i was able to shove through the metal contraption after a night of camping and drinking, when i just couldn't watch everyone else eat any longer! i healed, i'm scarred (not visibly) but every day i move forward knowing God was watching me through this warning and was probably telling me: 'trust your gut, that's me talking to you' -- you see, often when i first met this guy-- the first week (collaborated) i spent sleeping over at his apartment i lay awake for most the night feeling as if this guy may hurt me in my sleep. suffocation and violent attacks would play in my head. but i ignored them...

and again...

2009-03-04T11:59:00.000-08:00

we go for a while with no post. i broke up with yet another boyfriend recently. what a heart breaking bitch huh? whatever i'm getting older and making decisions faster is all. MORE HEARTS TO BREAK OUT THERE!! on with the show!! i still live in thos great house that is too big for my needs so after this year lease i am about to sign i think i will attempt to buy a house. at 27, it's getting close to that time for me. i'm still a nanny for the boys in the pictures below, my how they have grown since those were taken. 3 days out of the week they go to school for 3 hrs and in that time a am learning to do all kinds of office molarkey. it's actually kind of challenging- in a great way, nothing very difficult at all, and it's also turning out to be rewarding. i love learning i can do new things. i'm cutting this short. at work at the moment, just wanted to stop in and say hello. 'speak' with you soon!

almost off...

2008-06-15T12:47:00.000-07:00

It is Sunday afternoon. I have been on the clock since Thursday at about 9:30 AM. I take care of two little boys for a couple of amazing people. I have been employed with them for a little over a year now, and i pretty much struck gold.
But let me catch you up on the goings on since i wrote last. (not like three days ago, but before that.)

I was with Travis aka mama's boy with no sense of responsibility-- we could sit here and play the exboyfriend bash game all day, but i'm over it. cool dude, just lost. anyway, we 'had a house' to move into that would be ready for us a week after he got out of prison. ...right. my lease was up before that, so i moved all my stuff into his parents house temporarily. I had been working construction with the family's company laying conduit pipe 3ft under for power lines that would go to the cameras being placed on the 101 from union hills to northern. (run-on?) When he got out everything was great, even working with him was easy- which i had feared would not be the case. he was afraid i would be lagging behind everyone and soon realized that was anything but true, so he lightened up and we worked well together. whatev... the house fell through so we were stuck at his parents til we found something different. I got my nanny job and loved it from the get-go. we ended up staying with his parents for 3 mother fucking months because we 'couldn't come up with the money' for a down payment. although a car he sold to his buddy a while before needed to be bought back, so in a matter of a week, he had $2000 to buy it back. this was the straw that broke the camel's back. i couldn't ever go out with my friends, couldn't hang out comfortably anywhere but in the guest room where i was forced to sleep, and everything was anything but the way i am used to living. i ran away when i was 16 for fuck's sake! nobody can hold this bitch down!! :-) so i (in one week's preparation, and one days packing and moving) got out of that house and moved into a room that my employer's friend had open. i lived there for 3 months, and then Kelsey (friend of 18 yrs) and i signed a lease in a house that my other employer is the landlord for. i was single that whole time, and even into our 7th month in the lease, which is kind of a rarety for me, but i learned so much more about myself and grew more than i ever would have been able to had i picked up some other douchebag.

i met this boy through some of my old high school friends that i still keep in touch with, and we are now an item. so there goes singletown. prolly a good thing though, i was getting a little crazy if you know what i mean... (blushes)

I need to shower. boys are napping so this is my only chance for freedom and cleanliness.

Been Quite a While...

2008-06-12T13:32:00.000-07:00

Look! another spot to write on!! i keep a blog on my gayspace (more commonly known as myspace- though i'm embarrassed to admit that i FUCKING LOVE THAT SHIT!!!) -(clears throat) wow. my apologies. so i am a big fan of sharing my amazing brain and life happenings with the world, if i could only advertise world-wide... and hope that there might be a few people that will pick up on the fact that i am writing here again so's they might get a little bit of enjoyment out of their pathetic lives.

these kinds of statements are the reason a lot of people hate me, and the reason i am such a happy person. :-)
I'm almost 27, i just recently recruited a (as of June 10th-23 year old) little boyfriend after being single for longer than i had been single for most of my adult life. it's crazy how much i learned about myself and grew by being on my own.

i have to go do work right now- hate that i have no more time to fill you (invisible audience) in on the new life of dawn renee dewan, but now that i have my beloved blog back- you will be hearing from me soon.

good day to you all.

moved on out, and stuff...

2006-07-13T20:29:00.000-07:00

I moved on out, and stuff. It's alright so far. My boy's been working a lot this week. He'll be going to jail in a few weeks, here. Maybe a little more. That's pretty crappy. I gotta take the good with the bad, though. Him and his family hooked me up pretty good for my apartment.

It's a nice little change. I actually was looking forward to Kelsey leaving the other night. Well, not looking forward to it so much, just kind of excited to sit by myself in my own home. Which is really strange. I certainly didn't expect to want to do that.
Yesterday Travis had to go back to work later in the afternoon. He suggested I bring us out an Outback (steakhouse) 'picnic.' I only got to see him for an hour after I got off, so I hesitantly agreed. The job site was super far. I showed up with some delicious hot meals for us, and brought his dad some, cause he was out there, too. They were stoked. Can we say brownie points?!? Then today after the boy got off for a break and court, he stopped by my work. I was so excited! He had to go back again this evening, so he was going to call me when he was ready, cause we were going to meet up somewhere by the job site for dinner. I drove up and surprised him while he was working. It was super sweet. We were supposed to hang out tonight when he was finished, (for the third night in a row.) but he was super tired. (for the third night in a row.) He has to get up for work anywhere from 2am to 4am, and works through til about 7pm. It's insane. And that's why I don't get mad when he says he'd like to go home and sleep. Plus his house is closer to the site, and the bed I have for right now is a full size- pain in the neck and back. We sleep in a california king when we get to sleep together, so it's anything but sufficient. I miss him.
I think that's all that's new, really. Just hanging out and getting used to my place. I guess I'll head there now. Nice seeing you all again. Hope all is well. Take care. Talk to you soon.

Movin on out.

2006-07-03T12:26:00.000-07:00

I don't own a computer. Now you know. This whole relationship between us has been put on through my mother, who supplied the machine. I have been using her to get to you. I can admit that. So, when I move THE FUCK OUT!!! -- (clears throat) Please excuse me. When I --GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS HOUSE!!!!-- (lowers head in shame) (recovers) I really apologize for my language.

wait... NO I FUCKING DON'T!! CAUSE I'M FUCKING EXCITED!! AND FUCK IS MY FAVORITE WORD!! FUCKITY FUCKWAD FUCK!!

Okay, lemme get to the point;
I move into my apartment this Saturday. That's right, mother fuckers!!! whoa...

Stoked. Really stoked. And I should be getting a raise soon, (to $10.00 per hour.) or I'm quitting to go work with my little 'sis'- prolly my closest friend- Kelsey making $13.60 per hour. Her and I would be working together in this couples' house. Helping them to eat healthy, get to doctor appointments, so on and so forth. She works with mentally challenged people who are able to live on their own, just need assistance getting around and cooking. It's really very easy, as there is a lot of down time, AND it would be just Kelsey and I hanging out when there is nothing to do. AND I get a guaranteed 10 hours per day. Paid lunches, as long as I need/want them to be.

Well, I'm going to take my little sister out to lunch. She needs someone in her immediate family to show her they are concerned for her well-being and comfort. She is treated like a piece of shit by every female in this house. It SICKENS me. But saying anything about it only makes the situation worse. There is no just reason for any of it. No matter what may have 'happened in the past.' But that is something we can discuss some other day. For now, I am going to show her that I care, and that I love her, no matter what she does, because that is what families are supposed to do. Hope all of you are well. Peace out, my niggas.

New and bold things...

2006-06-18T09:52:00.000-07:00

My boss claims that I am a 'new woman.' If being a new woman results from having a sugar daddy, then claim away!! No, but really...

There's my 'Good Enough Diploma'--

There's my new car--

There's its ass--

Leather interior--

Those are my new BAD ASS shoes. I love them.

Yeah, so Travis bought me that car so's I could go out and visit him whenever I want, and so I'm not riding my bike around everywhere. It's a '93 Cadillac ElDorado. It came with a little over 85,000 miles on it. Nice cold AC, runs like a champ. I took it up to 100 mph the other day; she purred. Gave her her first bath yesterday. My gawd, is she beautiful! Got my shoes in the mail-- I had to order them online cause I fell in love with them at some place and COULD NOT find them ANYWHERE. Looked for, like, three weekends straight, in about four malls. I move into my apartment next Saturday. THAT"S RIGHT!! It's about damn time, you worthless piece of cow dung!!! (I know that's what you're thinking...)

So, that's what's going on with me. Travis has a California King size bed for me in storage. Brand new. His mother (as far as I've been led to believe) is probably going to be buying me a couch or two. He'll be hanging out there all the time, and says that a 13" TV just will not do. He said something about getting me a 46". He's crazy. I tell him I don't need any of this. Told him yesterday I don't deserve it. But he is made happy by doing all this stuff. He gets pissed at me when I don't allow him to buy me shit. I had to get over the fact that I can't pay for every time we go out. It enraged me for a while at first, but I think I'm starting to get used to it. All my friends tell me I deserve it plenty. I've always tried to be a good person. Never had anything handed to me. I'm good to my men, for sure. Like to cook and clean for them. Like to go ahead and NOT cheat on them. Maybe that's just me.

Travis works a lot, and has lost girlfriends because of this, but I know how important a job can be. Shit, I work at least 9 hours everyday. I am very patient and try to be very understanding. I'm rambling again. I'm very happy. things are going my way. Car. Shoes. Apartment. GED. Man, I'm doing well.

2006-06-18T09:28:00.000-07:00

The first of June, huh?

2006-06-01T22:29:00.000-07:00

...cool.

Let's see... I took my tests... Travis got out of jail on bond until, I think at least September-- at least. Not sure what's going on with that. He's got all kinds of court dates, obviously. Umm... He can't drive, so his parents were talking about getting me a car so I can go out there, and go to pick him up whenever we want to go anywhere.
--
Then he tells me tonight; that tomorrow they're going to look at a Cadillac for that purpose. He'll be driving it sometimes, too, so he wanted it to be something he liked. Yeah, so that's a small part of what's going on right now. Been workin little, and I'll be spending my weekends at his parents' place for as long as that has to last.

Jen's (my boss) baby is having heart problems. I think he's alright, just being watched very carefully.

Okay, I'm gonna go watch South Park. Peace.

Haven't gotten the results from the test yet... I'll keep you posted.

Today is the beginning of the beginning of...

2006-05-24T10:16:00.000-07:00

huh? What's this broad talking about? Well, listen here... Travis was supposed to get out on bond Tuesday, 3:00AM. Then he was supposed to get out by 8:00PM on Tuesday. Then it was anywhere from 12:00AM-3:00AM Wednesday morning. Now he's going to go to court today, and then maybe after he gets back at about 7-8ish, they'll start processing it. So I don't know what to think. But, I've been emotionally jumbled around so much that I have lost faith in him getting out at fucking all-- not literally, he'll get there-- but it's easier to not get my hopes up, obviously.

On a more important note... Today is the day. Today, at approximately 1:00pm, I will begin my General Education development testing. Reading, Social Studies, and Science are today. Then Writing, and Mathematics will be tomorrow. So I'm gonna get going, cause Heather and I are going out to lunch first.

I'm so excited/nervous/anxious/(and let's not forget about being frustrated with not getting to see my boy...)

this is bullshit...

2006-05-20T18:22:00.000-07:00

I seriously wrote a novel explaining the complicated week I've had earlier today. The 'website' was 'not responding.' Effing molarkey-- so here's a really choppy version, and know that there is so much more that I'm not willing to write at the moment.

Travis had a few old DUI's that he hadn't taken care of. Friday, May 12th, @ 5:45 PM, I got a call at work from one of his good friends. He had been 'picked up.' I have no idea how long he'll be in there. His parents got the best damn attorney available- they've got a comfortable amount of money to spare. He may be getting out on bond come Monday, or Tuesday. Which will be the best thing that will happen since- I don't know what. That was pretty articulate, wasn't it? I have not been able to stop thinking about him and how much I need him in my every day life since the day I received the call. We literally talked every day, from the time I woke up in the morning, til the time one of us went to bed. If one of us couldn't sleep at night, like when I couldn't sleep cause my throat was killing me, we were up and more than happy to give moral support. He has already gone through a real change. This is a serious wake-up call for him. I was beginning to think that I might love this guy before he went in, and not having him is making me think that even more. I've been talking to his mom every day, and to him about every day as well. His mother really likes me. Travis has the best parents in the world. They're great. They really care about their son, no matter what foolish things he's done in the past. I guess that's kind of a given, really. Travis and his mother got started on this new thing where they can't stand the fact that I ride my bike everywhere. Especially at night. Travis was saying that I'm going to be taking his truck to drive very soon, and when I talked to him for the second time today, said that his parents were talking about buying me a car. So, right now, the only thing I can really do, is wait to hear how long he might be put away, and when I hear that, will have to make a decision as to whether or not I'm capable of waiting. If we're lookin at five years, we're lookin at a huge possibility that I can't do that. But I can't predict the future, so who knows what will happen. All I know, is that this is the most confusing, and emotionally draining thing I've been through. I think.

Aside from that; Last night I played my first role of designated driver ever. Jeezis kryst, was it a tough job. I did pretty good with the whole not needing a drink thing, I guess. It was a little weird, but I pulled through. And, about a week ago I weighed myself, and as of today, I've lost five pounds. So, on Monday- that'll make it two weeks!!! wow!! And I've been hanging out at all the places I would if I were drinking. That's pretty much wherever I go, so that's hard to get around I suppose.

Well, That's the news. I spend all day wishing I could see my boy, half hoping he'll show up at my work in the middle of the day. Can't seem to lay the reality down in my head. At least not until I hear the end result. I'm gonna go.

miserable and stuff.

2006-05-14T22:14:00.000-07:00

can't talk to the boy. every day of every week, my days revolve around communication with my boy. He makes me laugh. He gives me the motivation to get through the bullshit I put up with at my work. He comes to get me after work.

All of that has come screeching to a dead stop. I have to deal with no Travis cold turkey. And it hurts and it sucks. I was just saying a few days ago that I'd rather not care about someone this much cause it's too easy to hurt from it. I hurt. I am confused. I am anxious. I am impatient. I'm not hopeful. I do hope I make it through the week, but don't know what kind of shape I will be in by the end.

I still haven't had a drink. I've had more of a reason to this past weekend, but I haven't had one. I've been smoking like a fucking steam engine, but no drinks. No drinks...

OH MY FUCKING GAWD!!!

2006-05-13T09:42:00.000-07:00

cell phone place "opens" at 9:00am. It's 9:40. Nobody's there, nobody is answering. It is imperative that I have a phone RIGHT NOW. For reasons that I will not share with you. No offense, I'd just rather not get into it just now. But I NEED a phone. I went on Friday when I got my check, and they said I should call the people and tell them what happened, and through the insurance that I accepted, have them send me a new phone. I tried that. Twice. Sat on hold for 25 minutes the second time. Then there'll be the week and a half wait for the arrival of the phone. I NEED a phone TODAY.

Went to Chuy's last night. My drinking spot. On a friday night. With my super-awesome little sister (damn near) -- and drinking partner. Got funny looks upon ordering a water, then a soda. It was sweet. Was excited to tell them of my most recent victory with myself. huh? Did that make sense? It was cool, cause I wasn't all cocky and 'i'm better than you cause EVERY ONE OF YOU PEOPLE ARE SHITFACED'-- I don't think I'm capable of thinking I'm better than anyone. And I wasn't annoyed by the sloppy noise of everyone. I was having a good time watching people have a good time. Watched some of the Suns game... pissed some people off by shouting for the Clippers. Fuck the Suns. It was sweet.

They're open now-- going to take care of business. I'll check in.

My throat hurts...

2006-05-11T22:08:00.000-07:00

Maybe it's because I haven't even thought about a drink since last Sunday. I'm doing really well. You gotta think, for someone who has pretty much had at least three beers (or some whiskey...) per night for the last 7 years, it could be a hard thing, right? I think I should be proud. I feel better about myself. There are a lot of things that I am seeing differently now. Reality is a real thing now.

Hahaha.. reality has always been real, but beer took me away for a little while each night. It was nice.

The great thing about getting paid tomorrow, is that I need shoes, and a new cell phone (from slip 'n' sliding and kiddie pool wrestling with it...) and I have all kinds of things I need to shop for, and I'm not going to spend a penny on booze!! It's gonna be a whole new thing for me!! whoa!

Well, my throat really is killing me slowly, and painfully... prolly won't sleep much tonight, so I'm gonna get a head start on sleep time.

If you give a shit, can I get a woot woot?!?!

my heart is hurting...

2006-05-08T19:34:00.000-07:00

and for those of you that don't really care, get lost.

My boy and I kind of had our first issue last night. You see, I'm a crazy jealous bitch, and thought I was controlling myself okay, but apparently not. Things didn't get ugly, but I have a few things in my life that I really need to sit down and think about. Like how my self esteem issues can affect my relationships in the worst way possible. And how when I get a little intoxicated it only gets worse. And I'm getting older and have nothing to show for myself but a small amount of knowledge.

My heart hurts. I have fallen really hard for this guy, and I think he likes me just as much, but I'm gonna fuck everything up if I can't control the issues that have been a part of who I am for so long. I'm sick of myself. I'm sick of letting dumb shit like this bother me. I am having a hard time really wanting to give any relationship a chance, because I hate to admit that I hurt. I don't like thinking so much about crap. I'm gonna stay away from booze for a little while. Find myself again. Or something. At least I'll save some money. And maybe drop a few pounds. Then again, if I look back on other things in my life that I was going to do to help myself, I'd have to remember that some things I haven't followed through with. Most things...? Or have I even tried to do that in a while...? At all...? I don't know, man. I'm just feeling sorry for myself because I'm confused. Feeling things confuses me. That's why i like to live without feeling. Then I can't hurt. And that's always great.

...The boy and I are fine. He just very calmly told me that he really likes me, but if this is going to work, I'm going to have to 'ignore the hype' that I have going on inside my head when I'm feeling less than what I am. That made no sense... lots of stuff up in there doesn't.

Meet the fucking parents and shit...

2006-04-22T12:05:00.000-07:00

Yeah both those movies are lame. The second more so than the first. But I met dude's parents... His sister came into town with her husband and child, and ma & pa and sis wanted to meet me. Because he's 'always' talking about me. I was super nervous. Nobody around the house really gave a fuck. When I meet a boy that I really like it's nothing interesting. I'm sure they just assume he's a piece of shit, or something. Maybe nobody wants me to be happy. Or maybe they just don't care either way... don't know. Don't fucking care either. So it's understood. I'm just an alcoholic 24 year-old living with her parents. Pissing people off and trying not to express my feelings in full.

Anyway- meeting the parents went SO WELL. They absolutely loved me, apparently. I guess his dad says to tell me hi every time i see dude. Mom was really interested in my work, she's going through training to be in charge of some church child care stuff... I guess she was looking on the internet at GED stuff, and wanted boy to tell me about some place where if you get your GED through them, they'll pay for a year of your college. He was trying to get out of the house quick, though, so she said, "have Dawn call me, and I'll give her the information."---- yeah, how about no?! Nice thought, for sure, I'm just not a 'call your mom' kinda gal, I guess.

Oh yeah, and my boss wants me to get my GED quick, so I can maybe further my career--- a lot so she can give me a fat raise-- so she wrote me a check, gave me her car keys, and made me go to the community college to pre-register to take the test on my break. So the date is set. May 24th, and May 25th, and then I'm done. Then I will have my Good Enough Diploma. Sweet!! I called the boy when I was on my way up there, and he was super-stoked for me. He's so great. I call him beaming with happiness, and he gets super excited for me; I call when I'm frustrated, pissed off, and just need someone to vent to, and he makes me feel ALL better; I NEVER cry, and he KNOWS this-- (he better...) but last week someone made me cry, and as soon as I walked out, I called him, all upset, and he was happy that I could call him. It was nice. He is awesome. I'm not expecting anything super-big-for-sure, I never put all of myself out there on the table for fear that I will get stomped on or fooled, but it's nice to have somebody care about ME and my happiness-- and do things and say things to make me happy-- and somebody who is made happy BY my happiness... guys, it's SWEET!! I'm happy.

Here's another post, man. I've cleared my life and head of bullshit. I'm not going to deal with bullshit anymore. I say that now...-- my life is nothing but bullshit... hahaha. No, seriously.

I'm fine with that. And I'm babbling. You have no idea how great a relief it is that I've weeded out all kinds of bullshit from my everyday life. You have no idea what I'm talking about, but that's okay. I'm fine with that, too.

I'm a happy gal...

2006-04-13T13:17:00.000-07:00

You got a fucking problem with it? Probably not. You better hope you don't. I have been hanging out with a boy for a little while now. He really likes me, and I really like him. We spend every night together. He's a good boy. We are very similar. We text message all morning when I am getting ready for work, and he is already at work. Then he writes me corny little things while I'm at work, but my phone is shut off, so I get it on my break, and we talk on my break. Then he wants to come pick me up from work everyday. And he does. And we go out to eat. And it is awesome. I am a very happy person right now. Sorry I haven't written in a long time. I'm not going to say that is going to change, I guess I've lost it for the 'ol computer. I'm on break right now. I'm starving, just thought I'd check in. My job is going super-great, too. My boss wouldn't be disappointed at all if I were to become her assistant director... but don't say anything. I doubt it will happen for a long time, she's going on maternity leave soon. I love her. Too bad she's already married, and same sex marriage is illegal in this state. Or is it? K-- I'm gonna replenish my body with the nutrients it needs. Thanks for checking me out!!

My new nickname...

2006-03-27T18:27:00.000-08:00

Mom's calling me scarface. Jen was too. Jen's my boss. I went out to Sycamore Creek with a bunch of my buddies. It's just this whole bunch of desert land, ideal for camping and riding. Last weekend we went there and camped overnight. One of the dudes taught me to ride Kelli's quad. First time for me. But that time he was on the back for the short period of time that I rode it. Then yesterday I took it out on my own. I did really well. Got the whole clutch system down quite easily, I was 'gettin on it.' Blew through a bunch of straight-aways... got used to it... then I just went around the camp site a couple times. Trees and bushes throughout a lot of it. Most of them dead. I'm not too sure how it all came about, but I must've forgotten how to apply the brakes... I was coming up on a small (dead) bush and directly behind that was a bigger one. Much bigger. It all happened too fast for me to do anything but just hang on, and wait for a stop. I blew over the small obstical, and right into the monster bush. It stopped me just beside the base of it. Not before I was assaulted by tons of sticks and branches. There was no reverse, so I just slowly continued through, got off, fixed my hair, and made my way back to the group. I noticed my arms were pretty tore up, and my face hurt, but I wan't aware that it was bleeding. It was hilarious. Everyone was amazed at how I pulled through, not even really phased by it. It was super-sweet. I love scratches and scars, so I was stoked.

So here are some pictures of the damage:

Want some drugs, Dawn?

2006-02-22T21:03:00.000-08:00

No thank you.

And I don't want any affiliation with the mexican mafia.

And I don't want to sleep for four days straight.

And I don't want to be with you if you don't have a legitimate job.

And I don't want to be with you if you're 29 and are 'temporarily' living with your parents.

No, 'John doe:' I do not like green eggs and ham. At least not the kind you're selling...

His name was actually Travis. And I thought I really liked him. His birthday is a day after mine, (well plus a few years...) and he is really cool. Very fucking funny. Very fun to hang out with. Almost as cool as I am. We have hung out most of the weekend, for the past two weekends. He is a VERY real, and super-awesome guy, but not the kind of guy I would want to have a serious relationship with, like I thought I might. (Well, I thought there was potential.) We are a lot alike, but there are a lot of things about his friends and personal life that conflict with my new-found morals.

I have never said that I am better than anyone, but I am better than what I might consider myself as, if I were to become involved with this type of person. Nothing but bad news bears. I have more respect for myself, and I have more knowledge as to what I can be around without getting tied up in, to let myself continue to hang around it. I almost slipped into it this past Saturday. I wanted to. It was all right there. I was leaning against a(n apparently JUST stolen) Lincoln Navigator peering into an outdoor laundry room where a few guys looked to be partaking in a little crystal meth smokage. I WAS SHITFACED. That is no excuse for wanting to ask if I could jump on in, but it didn't help. Just like the good 'ol days. Just like my 'good 'ol' buds who were always looking out for my best interest. Except not. I didn't ask. My ('former' addict) heart and mind pulled and pulled. I will say, Travis was keeping me away from all that. I'll give him that. I'm not trying to put the blame on him. We left soon after that started; but the boy I got addicted to it with before wouldn't let me do it either... then after a few times of me poking and prodding, I was hooked. And life was 'great.'

So there's a post. Whatever happened between Travis and I came to an end after that evening, and the icing on the cake was all day sunday. When we hung out at his parents house, and slept. And watched a movie. And he slept.

I deserve someone who is high on life, like me. Dorky saying, but it's true. High on some serious shit is NOT someone that is worth my time-- or emotion. And they don't deserve to be on my mind all day, giving me butterflies. I've got too much to give to settle. My mom taught me that.

So my head is cleared of this silly boy. And I'm stoked!!!

My stomach feels all funny...

2006-02-10T18:27:00.000-08:00

I'm super excited, and I can't say why cause I think someone very close to me likes this guy... But she has a boyfriend. And nothing has happened yet, anyways.

I really wanted to spit it out when I sat down to write this little diddy, then I remembered that maybe I shouldn't. But then again, through all of this, I pretty much am... but I still won't say anything.(yet) I know that the person that might like him might also think that he is a terrible candidate for me, but I've never been able to get this person's approval anyway, so why should I care? Right?

I dunno. I just wasted your time and mine, so I'll talk to you at our next session of Nonsensical-ingeniousness.

Worked over like a three dollar whore...

2006-02-01T18:54:00.000-08:00

My eyes are burning... maybe the computer screen is at fault. Maybe I looked down at my belly, and in response, poored bleach into my eyes. I can't remember.
-How about a beer, Dawn?
-Sounds lovely.
-Those are non-fattening, right?
-After the day you had, do you care?
-Good call, better grab two.

so, as the hip, young pop-culture might say: 'brb'...

I am so freaking tired. This week, I'm working 7-6:30 again. Today I had to go to the drug-testing clinic. I am getting tested to be the van driver. How awesome would that be if you were being picked up by (yours truly) every day from school. I would be stoked. Maybe I'll drive from the back seat just to see what it's like.
I am so sick of the human race right about now. I am pissed in general. I just saw footage of a cop being swiped by a car while writing a ticket to somebody on the side of the (freeway, I think it was...). Why the FUCK would you repeatedly show that? That shit makes me sick to my stomach. People who can watch things like the Faces of Death movies, and sick shit like that baffle me. I understand it's a curiousity thing, where you just 'can't look away'- but for fuck's sake...

I'm gonna shut the fuck up. I picked a bad night to write. I can't think of anything positive to say. I hate everything and everybody. It's rude, but I mean every word of it.

God-damned-mother-fucking-cock-bag-licking-slut-whore-twat-head-fuck-fuck-fuck.
shit-fucker.
FUCK.

(i think i'm pms-ing. nobody can be this filled with rage unless it is a beeyotch on the verge of george.) fuckers.

This girl that I hate....

2006-01-26T18:36:00.000-08:00

lives inside my head...

I was trying to sound like a depressed teenager. A 'goth' or 'imo' or 'pussy-ass-needs-to-suck-it-up-and-deal-with-the-problems-that-everyone-else-has-to-deal-with-son-or-daughter-of-a-bitch. (sorry, to the moms of those types of kids.) They just need a good kick in the face.--and... problem solved!

So, my mom started at my place of work today.It was a little weird at first. Her being in my room and all. Shit, I try not to even let her in my room at home!! haha, kidding mom! (at least that's what I would be saying to her if she even READ MY BLOG ANYMORE!!!!!) I think there's only one person who does. If I'm wrong, please leave a comment that says exactly as follows: Ramma-lamma-ding-dong, koo koo kachoo, I like to run in the sprinklers in my undergarments.

Thank you in advance for your cooperation, please DO NOT go and tell your friends who do not read this to do that, just to make me feel good; cause I'm really only here for MY enjoyment, and couldn't care less if people read my babblings. Oh, and don't be too 'proud' to say such nonsensical molarkey, cause if you can stand to read the idiocy that comes from my fingertips, you should be okay with participating yourself, if only just this once. Go ahead, let yourself go!

hmph, so that's that.

Nothing really exciting happening in my life. I'VE FIGURED IT OUT!!!! That's exactly why nobody reads!!!! I'm going to go and do something extremely illegal and exciting, in hopes of getting an audience back!!! I won't return until I'm cool again!!! Wish me luck!

oh, I sent off my first payment for the eviction thing. Did I tell you all about that? This dude and I were together, and had our names on the lease at this place, things weren't as good as I wanted them to be, he loved on his dog and his band more than he did me, so I moved out. He and the friends got a few noise complaints, he wanted to move out, and I wanted to move back in, we made that switch, so me and a girlfriend lived there. A couple of his old friends that were cool with me came up to Chuy's when I worked there with one of the dudes two kids, got all kinds of loaded, so I offered to drive them to my place and let them stay there since they lived, like, 45 minutes away. (wow, that was a run-on... excuse me, I'm trying to pack it all in quick.) So they did, they were getting all crazy all night long, almost got into a fist fight, throwing each other all around the place, broke a bottle outside the balcony, yelling... yada yada yada.. eviction notice on the front door the next morning. Plus, they were all passed out the next morning when the kids woke up (2 & 4) and the kids got black paint ALL over the room and themselves. Gave them a bath-- tub is now stained black. Terminated lease, back-rent, and damage fees: $5,113.20. What the fuck?! "rock-star" old man has no concern for his credit, and it 'was me that got the eviction'- so he's coughing up nothing for the bill. So, like a smart girl, I ignore it for a couple-few years! Got smart, and just called a couple weekends ago for them to send me the bill, cause I figure, without settling that, I'm FUCKED. They send it to me in the mail two days later, I'm just ecstatic to receive it. BUT!!!! Because someone moved in to that apartment A MONTH after I moved out... the back-rent was cut from $4,402.18 to $700!!!!!!

HOLY MOTHER OF SATAN!!!!! whoa, wait... Yeah, so I owe a total of $1,334.81!! I am so fucking excited!! It will take me only two months to get that taken care of, then I'm fuckin outty five-thou!! I've got a couple other small bills to pay off, and after that, my credit is free and clear!!!! How super-sweet, huh?
Okay, now I'm really gonna go break the law. Thanks for reading!

I was pissed earlier...

2006-01-18T21:30:00.000-08:00

Because I lost my last twenty dollars. I get paid this Friday, and I have all kinds of envelopes to put money away in. I'm actually, and seriously this time, going to get my shit together. I have all kinds of numbers to call to get an apartment, I'm paying off my doctor bill this paycheck, I am going to save to get rid of my old cell phone settlement, which won't take long, and I'm having my eviction bill sent to me so I can figure something out with that. I'm hoping to find someplace that will be cool with my current credit, and will accept me as a tenant. The eviction was all a crazy mess, and a bunch of bullshit, if you ask me: from that day forward, I vowed to never try to be a good, caring, and responsible person again.

Also, I ran into a whole slew of my old high school friends on this crazy contraption, and they're planning a get-together for February fourth!! One of my really close old friends, who apparently lives in California now, will be in town, and a shit-ton of the Tempe High goofs will be in attendance!! It should be a drunkin good time! I'm way excited for that! I've even got an envelope for that night!! (Oh, and of course one for the day after... can't forget about that piece of Americana!)

So, mom's getting a job at my place of work, I think she's trying to show me up...

Either way, we need good help where we can get it, so bring her on in!! I'm just not going to tell anyone she's related to me.

Peace out!! Hope you all are glowing as much as I am!!
(it feels really good to want to get my shit straight!)

You're invited to the wedding...

2006-01-12T19:27:00.000-08:00

Here's us at the engagement party. Don't we look happy?

Okay, so it's a crappy crop job, but it just has to work for a picture that will be shown as one inch high.

I have one thing to live for...

2006-01-10T20:08:00.000-08:00

What is that? You might be asking yourself... Keep asking... because no matter how long you ask YOURself, only I, myself, can answer that question. You're wasting your time, you see.

I really just need to shut the fuck up! Who the fuck do I think I am? WHAT the fuck do I think I am?

I am not in a good mood. I wasn't doing too bad today, but now all of a sudden I just want to die. I am dissatisfied with my life. I am lonely. I don't want to live here anymore. I want to be able to get my goddamned name on a goddamned lease and go sit on MY own goddamned floor and have a goddamned beer. Lord knows I don't have a goddamned couch.

Work's going pretty good. Nothing to complain about there. My health is good. My bike rides are great. Even if people wonder why a twenty four year old is riding a bike and loving it. Fuck them. No I don't have a car, alright? And yes, I DO live with my parents, okay? And yes, I do have a sweet ass, OKAY?!?!

So here's what I am living for, and only this:

sshhh... come close... don't tell anyone, I'm really fucking excited about this...

k, ready?
In two years, a very special game will be played just a few miles from my house.

OKAY, NO!!! IT'S NOT MY HOUSE, BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT!!!

It's Super Bowl 42, and my father and I ARE GOING TO BE THERE!!! I'm going to start saving RIGHT NOW, so we have good seats, a cab ride there and back, and all the beer we can possibly drink!!!

Well, that's it. Nothing else going on, so I'll not waste your time.

Here's to getting off the crack--

2006-01-01T21:04:00.000-08:00

Actually, I haven't made it that far yet.
Pizza rolls by totino's are great. Especially after not even being able to keep down a drink of water all day. Well, I didn't really try ALL day. I slept most of it. -Or- tried to sleep through the shitty feeling all over and inside. Feeling crappy is the pits, but there's just something about being so hung over (or even just sick) that I really like. Is that weird? Having a reason to lay in bed all day, all snuggled up with my best friend Apples and a big comfy blanket is great! Plus, you really appreciate feeling well after days like that.

blah, blah, blah.

So last night went on til almost six this morning. I'm too old for this shit. Or am I? What the fuck kind of question was that? I don't think my brain has settled in my head yet today. Brain activity is highly overrated.

So, I've conquered smoking. I'm going to tackle the nail biting thing next. My fingers are so fucking ugly. Just look at them in my record spinning picture featured in: "Heathens, nothing but a bunch of heathens." They've grown out a pretty good amount since then. And then I said something else that was utterly boring.

My mother was standing here next to me earlier, and was cutting fabric. She farted pretty loud, and I thought she was seriously going to pee her pants laughing at herself so hard. I think she's on drugs. Now she's making me popcorn. What a nice mommy! Something like this will never happen again. I'm smart, though, and am taking advantage of her 'need' to do something right now. Timing is everything.

And now my popcorn is done. Peace out!

OOOOOOHH... Kyle's mom's a bitch, she's a big fat bitch... she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world!--

2005-12-29T21:35:00.000-08:00

Oh, and for all of you that are just rejoining us after the holidays... I really want you all to look at my labels and my gift bag. I posted it last time, but nobody seemed to be interested in it. Oh, wait; Val saw them, but only because my mom was talking to her when I was taking the picture. (thank you, Val!!) Nobody cares about ANYTHING I do!!!! (runs in to room crying...slams door)

SO!!! How were the holidays for everyone?! Christmas night I went to my favorite bar--yes, it WAS open!!-- (yes!) and I found a silly little note written about me on some banner, by this huge faggot that used to be my friend. It was quite amusing. He used to read my blog, when we were talking, and when I went off about being mad at my other friend he showed her, and now they have a Dawn-haters club! It's really cute! They probably get together and read my blog and wait for me to say somethng bad about them. I really want to be a part of that club. Wonder how I could join...
They were the best people I have met in a long time, but I guess shit happens, and life goes on. Quite easily, I might add!
If you can't tell by now, I'm being immature.

And on to more important things...

Like bed! Gotta work. Good night!

...post script... I wrote some really funny things in response to the graffiti. It was long, hard, and hilarious!!

Happy Hollerday

2005-12-24T14:09:00.000-08:00

I made my boss this little gift bag from a piece of construction paper. And the designs on it- construction paper cut-outs. The bottom of it exactly fit a pack of cigarettes laying down on its back. Cute, huh?
The other little thingies are lables for my presents. I just wanted to show you all how creative and talented I am. If there is a job for someone who can cut funny little figures out of paper, I'm the girl for it.

I haven't had a cigarette for a week. Haven't wanted one. Last night I went to the bar with a few of my old friends, they were all smoking. I wanted to test myself, so I asked for a drag just to see what was up. It was disgusting! Pretty cool, huh?
Not much going on. Illin'. Works going good. Been pretty happy lately. In good health, good spirits. Hope you all are doing as well as me and my family. Merry Christmas! Hope you get something good!!!!

Hello to NOBODY!!!

2005-12-16T18:00:00.000-08:00

Sounds like I'm mad, huh? haha! I don't get mad!! (i get homicidal...) So it's been a little bit since I've written. So fucking what? You got some kind of fucking problem? I'm going out with one of my old bud's, that used to come into Chuy's all the time, tonight. Cool, huh? I'm sittin here, havin a Coors. (No, NOT light.)
I'll give the first person who names the movie this quote came from $2,900.

Ready?

"Heineken, FUCK THAT SHIT!!- Pabst Blue Ribbon!!"

OK- red team go!! But I guarantee the blue team will win.
There's been a lot going on in my life. Well, considering I usually live a content, and easy-going, non-problem-filled life. I don't think it would be worth it to get into those things for now. This blog is a widely published piece of literature, and I don't want it to get into the wrong hands. Not that I have anything negative to say, but business is business.
I'm going to get another beer....

...

...Hey, did you know that Mohandas K. Gandhi was born on the same day as I was? Obviously not the same year, but still. You guys are in for more enlightenment than you previously gathered!! Haha... I think I'm so smart. Somebody should inform me otherwise. Look at me, talkin all smart, and shit!! Just kick me in the chin! That always works. No matter what the circumstances, I promise. Try it. I did in kindergarten. Kicked my teacher right in the chin. What?! She was giving me grief!! Then again, I could be pretending some fantasy I always had actually happened. Maybe I think I'm cooler than what I really am. Yeah, I do.

Well, since I don't have anything really important to say, and since the person I'm waiting for a reply from hasn't come through, I think I'll shut this thing down. Have a great fill-in-the-blank...

Heathens, Nothin' But a Bunch of Heathens...

2005-12-08T19:12:00.000-08:00

Pictures of myself, and some of my kids at my place of work. I had taken these sunglasses out, and we were all walking around looking like doofuses about the time all the parents were coming in to pick up their children. I am the coolest. The other girl that is in the pictures is the ignoramus that is my assistant. She was not in the room with me, but happened to walk by while Heather was taking pictures of us, and felt she was entitled to join in. Heather is the lady that loved me to death in my first interview. She's actually, only twenty-three. She is awesome. All we do all day is sit and make fun of our fellow workers, the kids, and the kids' parents. She's hilarious... Like me!! The picture with just me and Leah, a beautiful little colored girl, shows me spinning an imaginary record. No, I am not trying to show off the fact that my fingers are ugly.

My boss told me today, that she was going to get me certified to drive the van. I think that would be pretty dang cool. I love driving, and to get out of that place for a little while everyday would be a pretty sweet deal.
Well, mom is getting impatient. She wants her machine back. So, I'll talk to you alls soon enough.

She's doing really well... Thank you!!

2005-12-07T11:49:00.000-08:00

Haven't talked to Kelli since Saturday. Hung out with the girl I grew up with, that I thought was on heroin-- Yeah, she isn't. As a matter of fact, she's been clean of the Oxycoten (spelling?-- she used to snort it all day, every day.) for a few months now!! She's kind of a crazy bitch, or at least, she was when she was on the shit. No- she is in general. But she was really cool last night. I wasn't talking to her because she was on drugs, and I don't want to surround myself with them anymore. We went to a girls' ASU basketball game. (She's gay... her girlfriend is really cool, and went with us.) Shayle had free tickets. Then we went to a crappy bar that was dead. Then we went to her place. She lives by the college, and there is a railroad track RIGHT in her back yard! As soon as we pulled up there was a train going by. Before she even could get parked, I had her stop and let me out so I could go look at it up close. Choo choo trains are my absolute FAVORITE!!!! I seriously can not control myself around the things. When I see or hear one, my face lights up and I get SO giddy. I really want a train of my own.
On to the next subject... So I was thinking about stopping with the cigarettes. I'm not really addicted, (I know, "everyone says that"-- shut up.) I really just like to have an excuse to go outside and get away from everyone and everything. Last Thursday I didn't have any, Friday I had one--wait... that's a lie... Anyway; All weekend I only had, like five, Monday I had none, yesterday I didn't have any until I started drinking, and I probably had three after that. I have no idea what all that means, and I'm kind of torn as to whether or not I want to quit. I know I am more than capable if I fully want to. I've done it before cold turkey, just because a boy wanted me to. Whatever... My break is almost over and I have to check to see if my friend got my birthday wish on her "My Space" --gay bullshit. So, to my two super-best-friends-on-the-computer... Love you, and talk to you as soon as you comment. It seems as though we're the only ones left here!!

Have a great whtever!!

Best employee EVER!

2005-12-03T13:41:00.000-08:00

People should kill to have me as an employee! I made my boss so friggin happy today!! The whole room attached to the kitchen was packed full of boxes from our new play-kitchen stuff, (that I got to put together!! I love power tools!!) and the boxes of cups, bowls, napkins, paper towels, jesus christ, everything we use throughout the center-- that hasn't been put away by the kitchen lady- who happens to be my shitty assistant's mother; the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, does it?!?! The room used to be used as a school-age room a long time ago- I found attendance sheets from 2003. Long story even longer: I gutted the place. The dumpsters outside were completely empty, and by the time I was done, two were full. There was a table sitting in there under all kinds of crap, come to find out it had three legs. I took the legs off, and tossed it. (MORE POWER TOOL USAGE!!!) I totally organized the kitchen, put everything where it would be easily found (for the dummy.) I did good today! Jen, my boss, was up in the front the whole time, and when I took her back she said, "Holy shit Dawn!!" She said I totally cleared a lot of her stress, 'I don't even know.' Yeah, so, I'm stoked. The only kinda crappy part is the thermostat was on lock for the weekend, and the windows are positioned perfectly for the sun to beat in , which made the temperature a whopping 82 degrees. I was sweating my balls off. Oh, wait...

Yeah, so, Kelli hasn't called me today. Whatever. If she's not man enough to admit that she was being stupid, I'm not going to worry about it. No skin off my back. One less stupid friend to worry about. I'm really kidding. I love that girl, she just gets upset super-easy sometimes, and that type of person drives me fucking CRAZY!! I try to take nothing personally, and I think I do a pretty damn good job. Life's too short to be pissed all the time. (To put it dorky.) I was just blessed with an amazing sense of humor, and live off of that. heeheehee. I farted.

I'm mature.

Like how I still pull the D

R

O

P
game? It's fun. Did your gay friends ever do that in high school, when they would write you silly notes? By 'that'- I mean put 'drop' on four different lines. Jesus Christ, what do I think you guys are, a bunch of morons?! Well, Daddy and I are going to go to Streets in about ten minutes. Hopefully I'll be able to check in later, and maybe I'll be bored enough to post again!! Looks like I'm not going to Kelli's tonight! (so far, at least.)

Have a super-awesome Saturday afternoon!! Love you all! Let's all become mormon and get married!

Hey, it's December!!!

2005-12-01T16:33:00.000-08:00

What does that mean? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!! Except for the fact that 99.9 FM is playing nothing but Christmas music!! How fucking exciting! Happy December!

For the past week, I've had all kinds of things to write about. At the moment, I'm drawing a blank. I try getting on the computer almost every night, but my sisters rule this house, and everything in it.

Okay, I'm done pointing fingers.

Dropping lines is effective in any case you may want to prove interesting.

I'm not sure that was proper english.

---------------------------SSSSSSSSSOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO--------------------------
Guess who decided to fire their head coach?!?! I know you all knew this already, and you're just being nice by not saying anything. Well, stop it!! The Detroit Lions announced Monday afternoon that Steve Mariucci would be dismissed of his coaching duties. There, I said it. Gloat all you want. Everyone else already has!! The way I see it, this could eventually mean good things for the Lions. This season is already fucked, but next year, we're winning the Super Bowl!! It's too bad that they didn't get it this year, cause the Super Bowl is in Detroit. Damn!

I got another new assistant for the afternoons. I've come to the conclusion that this newest working generation is nothing but a bunch of slack-jawed yokals! Since when does 'work' include sitting on your ass?! LITERALLY!! MY expectations aren't too high for any one person, but for the whole lot of 'workers' that will be sent my way!! Sons of bitches!! Lazy bitches, at that!!

Well, there's my latest post. I'm going to go call New York boy before it gets too late. I hopr you are all doing well, I really do! :-D

Nonsensical Irritants...

2005-11-22T20:56:00.000-08:00

I just saw a movie that said that in it. At the moment, I can't remember what it was. I really don't have much time to write anything, seeing as i have to be at work by seven o'clock-- which means about seven ten to me. I will admit that I can not be on time to anything if my existence depended on it. It has plagued me since the first job I had. I could get up four hours before I had to be there, and I would still end up showing at ten after. When I was on drugs, it was always about half hour to an hour. How have I held jobs?!?!

So, how are things in the worlds of my biggest fans? I got a new assistant to try out this week. I can't fucking believe how bad my judgment is. I thought she would work out great, too. Turns out, she is just as lazy, if not more than, the latest one!! They are both eighteen. I can't believe that a girl six years older than these broads can, and has to run, circles around them!! I asked if my expectations were just way too high, or what the fuck was going on. My bosses are just as frustrated as I am. They watch me running around like a chicken with my head cut off, busting my ass and getting irritated all day. It's pretty much ridiculous. I finally started saying shit when it's needed. You see, I have this problem with confronting situations. It all just builds up inside, until things are not repairable at all, and I freak out on a mother fucker, beeyotch!! Well, I'm going to bed... I have twelve one year olds to tend to by myself tomorrow. I love you!! Wait, no I don't... The only person I love is the bartender at a theatre near you!!

This is my latest post...

2005-11-17T21:25:00.000-08:00

This is the opening sentence of my latest post. This is the second sentence of my latest post now the second sentence is a run-on sentence.

Here goes the second paragraph of my latest post. Some people think I am annoying. That's a lie. Since I've grown and matured, I haven't met a person that thinks I'm annoying. Maybe people that think I'm annoying just don't talk to me. I wonder if there have just been too many people telling me I'm a funny person, and now I have it all up in my head that it is true. Those people were probably terribly mistaken. For thinking that, and for telling me. So, I'm in a good mood today. I didn't have to hang out with the ridiculous assistant I've had for the past two weeks. she hasn't been in there for two days. The incident reports that we have to give to parents when their child gets hurt has dropped from three a day to zero. Tell you anything?! I was told by both of my bosses that I completely run that class on my own when she is in there. Unfortunately that is the only option they have for me right now. And fortunately, we are hiring like, three more people in the next week and a half. One of them will be my future assistant. Yip-fucking-ee!! I've decided that the only way i am going to be happy is if I just clone myself, and be my own assistant. I have not met more than one person that moves at the same pace as I do at work. At least, not at the daycares. My bosses told me that they agree... that if they could just clone me, and put one or two of me in every classroom, they would be set!! They told me they were thinking that before I even said it to them. hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha------geez, that's great. Oh, wait... I'm not funny. That was a fake laugh. I caught myself. I'm such a fake bitch.

I saw on my future employer's blog that when you drop down, like eighteen lines at a time, it really keeps a person interested.

Keep going.........

Even still......

Okay, my little sister wants to get on, and I want a smoke. I'm set with my beer in front of me. All I need is.... hmmmm..... let's keep this PG-13. hahahapervert!!

Ouch, my back...

2005-11-10T18:47:00.000-08:00

So, at the beginning of this week, I started my lead as one's teacher. So far it has been pretty good. The kids are a blast, and love me. The only problem is my co/assistant-teacher. What an annoying and stupid bitch!! She completely tries to take over and take credit for everything. She just turned 18, and thinks she is god's gift to the human race. I, personally, would love to see her head implode. I wish I could feed her an Alka-Selzer, and that it would cause her to bloat so bad that she blew up-- chunks everywhere. I wouldn't even care if some got on me, as long as it wasn't her mouth or vocal chords, because those are my least favorite parts about her. I don't think I have even been in front of this machine since my last post; so to the one man that seems to be super-interested: HIYA!!! Love seeing that little Calvin cartoon. Seriously, though.

I would really like to go out and have a beer. I rode my bike to my friend's place last night, got picked up, and when I pulled my bike out of the back of the truck, noticed that my back tire was completely flat. What the fuck?!?! So now I don't even have a ride anywhere!! Son of a bitch!! My buddy was going to call me and we were going to hang out, but my mom is on the phone, so I'm S.O.L. I got another spendidly large check today. I'm going to start putting some away. I think after this payment I'll have the money I owed for my license all paid off. Yip-fuckin-ee!!! I need to fix my bike. Damn.

Yeah, so, it's Veteran's Day tomorrow. Guess who's working?!?! I don't even get a short day. I work 8:30 to 6:30. I guess I wouldn't be getting big checks if I weren't doing that. Doy. Mom's talk on the phone for a long time. I wish there was some football on tonight. My effin' Lions lost last Sunday. Everyone keeps telling me I should pick another team. I'm not too easily convinced to do anything. That's a stupid general statement that isn't true. Well, if we don't have very many kids tomorrow the annoying broad will be sent to another room, so wish me luck!! And have a great some-particular-time-of-day!!

The prison guard is my baby daddy...

2005-11-02T20:38:00.000-08:00

I'm getting attitude for being on the computer right now. Cool. Ask me if I care. Do you want the answer to that question, or can you guess?

Well, hello everybody!! Mexico was a super crazy time. As was expected. I had an absolute blast except for one huge incident. Not too important. It was beautiful. For those of you who have never been, the feeling of being in Mexico is one not comparable to anything. It's the most laid-back feeling ever. Nobody gives a shit. Everyone there is there to relax and have fun. Ridiculously awesome. Everyone played football on the beach. I was the ref. The best female referee possible!! My flag was a dirty old sock that I tied a knot in. It had cat poop on it. The first night we were there I cut the fuck out of my foot. I jumped over this hole in the ground, and on the way down, noticed a broken bottle in the sand. It fucking hurt. Luckily, there was a bottle of Bactine at the house we were staying at. Ouch. When I got home, being the smart girl I am as far as home remedies, I grabbed the bottle of rubbing alcohol (instead of hydrogen peroxide) for cleaning purposes. Double ouch. My mom came in asking what the heck I was doing, and laughed at my attempt to disinfect the wound. She then informed me of the mistake I had made in my selection. I sound like a really lame nerd tonight, don't I? You might think that I have a thesaurus sitting open next to me. Maybe I sound like a nerd because I'm so tired. Yeah, that's gotta be it.

So, Anthony has been home from Iraq since Monday afternoon. I still haven't seen the butthead! He was supposed to surprise me at the house on Tuesday when I came home for lunch, but he didn't show. Then he had to go to Tucson yesterday, supposedly until today, but I don't think he's come back. I don't have to start work until 9:30 tomorrow, but I am so freaking tired right now, that I don't think I'm going to be able to stay up past ten thirty. How old am I?! My week's been so long already. I think two teachers are going to be fired tomorrow. They left a kid on the playground today. I don't understand how stupid some people are. You have a job solely to make sure the children under your care are being kept track of. How can you not take notice that one of them is missing? I, personally, count heads, like three times on either side of the door during a transition. We're going to be hurting, but these two teachers have needed to be fired for months. So, there goes my chance of not working ten hour days, here comes my opportunity to work twelve's!!! Well, I'm going to go pass out, or something. I think I'm delirious.

Little green plus sign means: New Post

2005-10-26T20:17:00.000-07:00

Good evening. Or morning. Or afternoon. Whatever the hell it is for you, good that! Working ten hour days is taking a toll on my hardcore-ism. I passed out at eight-thirty the other night. What the fuck?! I really wish I could watch Conan O'Brien every night. He is a genius. I would love to meet the man. So Conan, if you're reading this right now, your biggest fan is in need of a meeting with you. Holy shit... I'm home alone, and I swear I just heard someone come in or something. I hate that shit. I just crapped my pants. All the doors are locked. So now what? I want my daddy.

On to other non-important things... My boss asked me if I would want to take over the ones classroom today. It probably wouldn't be for about a month, maybe. I think that would be pretty damn cool. At first I was a little hesitant, but now that I think about it, I'm like, totally down, and stuff. Those poor children could use a badass like me. The lady in there right now doesn't even know how to put a diaper on. One of the little girls splattered some crap on the floor this evening because her diaper was on half-way. Not to mention it was backwards. How dumb do you have to be? I can't believe this woman is in there to begin with. I would say she deserves to be shot in the face, but I'm a nice person. So, day after tomorrow, I'll be leaving for Mexico. For good. I've been taking spanish classes. I'm completely fluent in the language now. hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.... I'm not funny. I'm actually going to be there for the weekend. Kelli and all of our friends are going. Well, all of her friends. It's going to be a blast. I hope. It only takes a few hours to drive there. Have I ever mentioned how much I like to be in this house alone? Beside the whole, "somebody just came into the house" thing, it's pretty sweet. I can listen to the radio. I can walk around in my boots and tutu. Speaking of boots... You know what I've always wanted? I still have yet to find the perfect pair, but I've always wanted some bright yellow rain boots. With black trim in just the right places. I might have to have them specially made. I think I'll wear them for my wedding. I would wear those puppies everyday.

Well, I should stop torturing you with this nonsensical bullshit. I'll continue some other time. Probably after I get back from Mexico. Wish me luck! If you would like to donate to the "Bail Dawn out of Mexican prison" fund, please contact her mother at 602-nine-eleven-4444. thanks in advance for your cooperation!

Sitting Alone...

2005-10-21T19:45:00.000-07:00

And loving it. There's this girl I know, that doesn't have any money saving skills what-so-ever. This girl would love to, and really needs to, get an apartment on her own. She's never had one of those. The independence required to do this is something I'm sure she has, she's just never really had the chance to do it; or maybe she just never wanted to. She does now. This girl knows she needs to grow up, and do things on her own. She thought she was there when she got back from New York... It appears she was a misinforming herself. Since she started her job, around the end of August-- or maybe it was the beginning of August-- Yeah, the beginning. She has blown all of her paychecks on having a good time, or just hanging out. Well, she got her license back, still owes a few hundred to a friend for that. I think she needs a bank account. Or maybe just somebody to hold on to all her money.

So, it's a Friday evening, and I'm sitting at home. Whether this will be all night or not, I don't know. Whether I want to go out or not, I don't know. I could think of a few things to do, but not having a vehicle would require me to ride my bike somewhere. Or calling one of my friends... (yes, one of the two)... and asking them to come with me. I'm not diggin' on my friends lately. One of them acts all weird sometimes, like he can't get over the fact that our friendship of six years is ONLY that, and will ALWAYS ONLY be that.(unless this shit keeps up much longer!-then he won't even have me as a friend!) Sometimes he's cool, it's just REALLY FUCKING LAME having to deal with that shit. I'm completely over stupid people. I don't understand how it can be so hard for people to be real. How hard is it to just be a good person? For Fuck's Sake!! Hey, look!! I have already written more than six sentences! Aren't you proud? It's really a rarity that the computer is open for this long, so it makes sense. I'm fuckin bushed!! I think I'm just gonna go to bed at ten o'clock. haha. I've still got two hours, now... I might actually do that!! How pathetic!

So, let's see... What else is going on that has any effect on any of you? Oh, yeah... None of this molarky does. I got my ticket paid off for my suspended license. And then just two days ago, I got it reinstated online. It will arrive in the mail within five business days. Yip-fuckin-ee!!!! I'm super-stoked. I'm not stoked to wake up to a house full of teenagers being loud and obnoxious, and here all day. That's gonna take some preparation... Well, have a splendid evening. And a great weekend.

I want to go to Chuy's...

2005-10-18T18:38:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here at home. I got off work about half an hour ago. My dad is the only one that is home. (SCORE!!!) No offense mom, it's those rude and loud teenagers you have around. sheesh!!! So, yeah... What's going on? My life is boring, and dissatisfying. I hate myself. I think I'm going to admit myself into a mental institution. What an easy ride, don't you think? You get all kinds of food, sleep, prescription drugs... not that I'm into that sort of thing, but I could learn... Yeah, so, I'm gonna go to Chuy's. I'm pretty hungry. Maybe sometime in the near future I'll write more than six sentences. Have a great day!!!! Thanks for stopping by!!

Listen here.......

2005-10-11T19:44:00.000-07:00

Hello there. Geez, sorry it's been SO LONG!!!!! (chrymany) I've been working a lot. Okay?!?! I've been working all day, all week, getting home to a full computer, and getting the fuck out all weekend!!! I have been having lots of fun over the weekends. Football season is all I live for as of now. No boys. Well, lots of frustration and confusion in that area, of course. I am sick of trying. I have no game. That's an exaggeration, really, cause I happen to be the coolest person in the whole world, and require no more game than that. I will get there when I get there. I really miss my boy in NY. He sent me a photo album of the pictures we never got developed from the Grand Canyon. It made me cry a little. Now erase that from your memory. I NEVER CRY. My buddy got me the shoes I wanted for my birthday. I needed to have them. I needed shoes, and I am the pickiest person in the whole world, who just happened to find THE PERFECT shoes for me. They're mine. How freaking cool. Well, I am going to get out of hearing range of my little ridiculous sisters. The sound of one of them controlling the house drives me mad.

Remember, patience is a virtue.

Saturday, October First!!!!

2005-09-29T21:50:00.000-07:00

Two kegs, (to start) a band, a whole lotta people... and a super-awesome birthday girl!!! So, this Sunday, I'll be twenty-four years old. I am having a party at my good friend's house. (The Captain of Underpants) It's gonna be big. It's gonna be great. It better be, at least! I'm sosososososoosoos excited! Tomorrow after work, I'm gona go over there and clean up the place with him and a couple of people. I am sosososososossoso excited!! Even for the clean-up!! What the fuck?!?! Who the fuck gets excited about cleaning up a trashed house?!?! Oh, me. I'm gonna hang up a bunch of hilarious things I have for decoration. I have this sign from New York, (From this bar I worked at-- Hender's Bowl)They mispelled "bowl"-- they put "bowel"-- So it's funny. Right? It's funny, damn it!!! Anyway.... I have to look for funny things--- I'm gonnna go do that. Have a great day!!!! Love you all!! ----drd----

The peace, The quiet, The beer...

2005-09-21T19:50:00.000-07:00

Don't tell Daddy... I stole a beer. I might steal two. Daddy brews beer at home. Damn fine beer, if I may say so myself. He doesn't really care if I take some, though, does that count as stealing? Whatever...

So I got home from work this evening, and immediately afterward, everyone left!!! I have the whole house to myself! I got into some comfortable shorts, turned off the TV, and turned on the radio. I really love music. I really hate TV. I really like that everyone is the eff out of here, too! Why am I sitting at the computer when I could be enjoying this whole house?!?!

The peace, The quiet, The beer!!!!!

Oops, I crapped my pants...

2005-09-19T21:54:00.000-07:00

Other than the thirty year old dude named Captain Underpants, does anybody remember that skit? It was on Saturday Night Live, back in the good old days. Not the good old days that I am too young to remember, but the ones I was around for... Yet another uninteresting question asked by the queen of nerd. Man, I need friends...

So, started off this week on a good note; Not that my team won yesterday, or even bothered showing up for the game... those mother fuckers... worthless...
The new director at the day care is really stepping up, and getting shit straight. It looks like everything will be getting a whole lot easier. This lady is awesome. She's my new favorite person. My birthday is in twelve and a half days. How freaking exciting!!! I'm gonna be almost half a half a century!! Kelli was thinking Mexico... I'm thinking Chuck E. Cheese! (it's where a kid can be a kid, you know...) I had my eighteenth birthday party there, it's my favorite place in the world... and they have beer!!!! I saw these particular shoes in a magazine that Kelli had in her truck. They are super-bad. I saw them at the mall last weekend, and they were seventy five dollars. So, I thought I would ask mom and/or dad to get them for me. Sounds reasonable, right? I found them on the website for that store, for sixty five bucks, I really hope they're the same ones. Is that ridiculous that I can't even remember? I'm a one-pair-of-shoes type of gal, so they really have to be perfect. Does the interesting girl have anything else interesting to say? If this is a question you're asking yourself right now, don't count on an answer that will strike your interest.
I get paid tomorrow. Kelli gets a paycheck for $7,900, and is going to lend me $300 to pay off my suspended license ticket!!! Things are really starting to look up for this little girl. I'm doing pretty damn well for myself! Except for the whole living with my parents thing... damn. Well, I have to get off the computer so my little sister can get on. In this house, we have our priorities... You'll just have to deal with it.

Phew!!! One hour, and I'm beat!!!

2005-09-15T09:02:00.000-07:00

Yeah, so I woke up this morning not knowing what the eff time I was supposed to be in. I've had to be there at six, two days this week, and wasn't sure if I was supposed to be doing the same thing today. I woke up at five, so I could call and ask when somebody got there at five thirty, but was too tired to care, so I just decided I was going in at my "normal" 7:30. All week, I have been getting my break at ridiculous hours: 9:30-10:00 to 11:30-12. The number of kids that early, makes it easier to do that. How about we think about your hardest working employee, and what might help her to do her job more efficiently. When I get a break that early, and then have to go in for a whole day, it really wears on my patience. Yesterday, I had the worst afternoon I have ever had in my whole entire life. We are ridiculously understaffed, we are undergoing a director change, (which hopefully, soon, should make things a whole lot better...) there is a new lady who doesn't even really watch the kids; I think she's on drugs, or something-- she's in the two's room, letting them run wild. Yesterday, one of the little boys had acquired a bruise, and small goose egg on his forehead under her care, and when I asked her what had happened, she had no idea. They still haven't given me my room, if they decide to do it this time, it seems I can consider myself their last resort. Do I look like I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing?!?! Well, maybe it does look that way, but when you see me with these children you would have no doubt in your mind that I am the best caregiver in that whole center. Whatever.

I rode my bike to Kelli's last night. That was a good ride. There is this foot-bridge over the freeway, that I thought would be a great workout for me. The weather is starting to chill out. It has been so nice out. Have you ever noticed that girls don't really ever have anything interesting to say? I have. This one time... I was riding my bike, and I saw a blue car!!! And then the car turned right, and then it ran over a stick. Then I saw it pull into a driveway. I don't know if that person lived there, or what, but he pulled right in!! Man, that was cool.

I don't like being off this early. I am wearing down. I almost want to take a nap, but that will only make things worse for me. These people keep scheduling me in the fours room. I CAN NOT handle the fours. They are nucking futs. None of them listen. I had to be in there for four and a half hours the other day. I thought I was going to cry. There is nothing I can say or do to those kids to make them listen. I am growing to hate my job. Waking up in the morning is becoming impossible, because I know I am just going to be shit on all day, and I will be in random rooms, which gives the children no sense of routine. I'm getting off of this thing now.

Will you please vomit on me?!?!?!

2005-09-13T18:32:00.000-07:00

I don't know if i told you guys about that. Some little cry sack at my work was freaking out for --- well, all day long. When her mom dropped her off, she was not "havin it." She was screaming, kicking, flailing, hitting me, yada yada yada... I took it all, like i'm paid to do. She was keeping it up just as bad, whether you were holding her or not, for --well, like i said, all day... I knew she would eventually make herself sick. Well guess who's front she puked down?!!!! That little shit. I seriously had to hold back my own urges, and help out this little girl as best i could. I either was going to puke myself, or punch her. (hahaha... i'm kidding, don't call social services!!) Yeah.... that was my interesting story.

Yesterday I worked from 6 am to 6 pm. one hour break. Tomorrow i work from six am to six pm. Who knows what my break will be like tomorrow?! Lame. I'm hurtin. Especially because Sunday night, Kelli and I went to this little dive bar so she could sing karaoke. We stayed there til midnight. I ran into an old friend from a few years back. We got shitfaced. Last night was the "Captain's"(short for Captain Underpants; no, seriously.) birthday. I took him to Outback Steakhouse (my favorite...) and then we went to Chuy's to watch the rest of the game. Kelli and Aaron went with us to eat, and then Kelli came to Chuy's with us. After that we went to the bar next door to Chuy's, Baseline pub-- my old favorite hangout-- We played some darts, some pool, and drank until 11:45. I'm not as tired today, but I am not going to even think about moving from my room this evening!! It will be hump day tomorrow, though... I will make it through.

So there's what's on my plate. Help yourself, or be gone. The Detroit Lions are Super Bowl Champs!!!

Let's hear some more shit about the FUDGE PACKERS!!!!

2005-09-12T00:44:00.000-07:00

So, did you guys see the game today!?!?! (oh i guess it was yesterday...) The fucking Detroit Lions kicked some fucking ass!!! And afterward, the guy that owed me money on the game, bitched out, and went home to take a nap. He tried to say that he went home to get the money, and "realized he was tired..." or some crap... What a fucking bitch!!! He just got mad that his team lost, and pussed out!! I was pretty irritated, cause if it were me, I would have had somebody drive me to my parents house to get the money, immediately! (little bitch..)

Whatever, I'm not going to go off all night about some woman who's team lost tonight. It's fifty bucks; pay up sucka!!! And don't any of you believe any of the comments that are left on here by a "Captain"--- or as I like to call him, "Captain of losing." good night...

THE DETROIT LIONS FUCKING KICKED ASS!!!!!
GREEN BAY SUCKS COCK ON THE SIDELINES!!!!

Happy anniversary Moms & Pops!!!

2005-09-09T16:20:00.000-07:00

Okay, I got that out. I actually got out of work early today!!! For no good reason, though. I feel like crap. I guess that's a pretty good reason to leave work, but how will I take advantage of my time if I'm not well?! Damn it!!!

I think Kelli and I are going shopping today. I know we are, actually. We're going to get clothes for me to dress up like a girl in. She wants to do my hair, too. I'm scared. I should probably take a shower before I go. Maybe that will make me feel a little bit better. On second thought, maybe I won't. I don't feel like it. hmph, problem solved. Kelli says I deserve to go buy myself something fun. I have been working so damn much. Not working Monday, and having a two hour break today, and getting off three hours early today, still left me with 82 hours for my next paycheck. Yip-fucking-ee!!!! Uncle Sam is bending me over, though. That ass fucker. He must be Jewish. (no offense to those who are; if you can't laugh at yourself, you should be a mute.) -- (no offense to those who are mute..... oh, forget it!!)

So, how are things in the lives of my glorious audience? Don't answer that, it was a rhetorical question. You see, I don't really care! All I care about is me, me, ME!!! That's a big fat lie, too. I think I might be a chronic liar. At least, that's what my friend, Tom Hanks says. We grew up together. He's moderately successful. I think I make a little bit more than him, though. I try not to rub it in his face.

My mother loves Doctor Phil. I hate him. What an obnoxious son of a bitch! My birthday is coming up soon. I can't believe I will be twenty-four!!! Oh, yeah, and the "gentleman" who comments on my shits, "Captain"... (he's my good friend)... His birthday is on the twelfth of this month. This Monday!! He will be THIRTY!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAOLDFART!!HAHAHA Well, I guess I'm gonna go lounge around, and be lazy and worthless. Thanks for reading!! Have a great night!---------drd--------

Hey, check out the time this was written....... hahahaha...... STONERS!!!

PREPARE YOURSELVES......

2005-09-07T14:55:00.000-07:00

Have you all, any idea what we are in store for?!?! There is just one day left. One friggin day!! I am so excited!!! You should be, too. Thursday, September eighth, two thousand five... At eight o'clock eastern time........... The most joyous thing ALL YEAR will take place............................................................................ You guessed it!!! THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE SEASON KICKOFF!!!!!!! Praise Allah!!!! I have not been this happy, or excited for anything, in -- well, since last year... at the National Football League season kickoff.

I am on lunch right now.... I have little time left, and no smokes, so that leaves me even less time for blogging. Stop bothering me!!! Go anticipate the upcoming National Football League season. If you choose to leave a comment, please include your team....this will affect whether i speak to you in the future, or not.

Hour and a half lunch!!!

2005-08-31T13:15:00.000-07:00

Woopie. What do I have to talk about? Let me tell you ................................................................................ NOTHING!!!! Isn't that terrific? I thought it was. I am just bored, and really friggin tired. I wish I could take a nap, and get up, and go, but that is an impossibility for me. Once I'm down, I'm useless. I think I need to go to the store before I go back, and get something that will give me energy. Yes, yes I think I will. Jeesum Crow!! I am beat the eff up!! I haven't been drinking for the past couple nights. I wonder if that has something to do with it. I usually have at least a couple every night, but I've decided I will try not to drink during the week. I am hoping it will result in a small weight loss, too. I like to call myself "Lard-ass." It makes me feel good; good and fat. Not phat, FAT. There's a song I like to sing to myself, too. It goes: 'fatty, fatty, two by four... can't get through the bathroom door!!!' I am becoming delerious. I have a mandatory employee meeting at the place I am employed at. It will be employee-rific!! They better serve booze. Cause if they don't.... Oh, wait, I am not drinking all week. I forgot. Okay, unless they have booze at this meeting. In that case, I will get slaughtered! Woohoo!!!! Maybe they'll have tea and crumpets. And we'll play cricket. And we'll watch the British Broadcasting Company. I'm getting excited already, can you tell?

What a strange post. If you are bothered by this piece, please write an e-mail to somebody who gives a shit. Or just suck it up, cause I'm having a good time, damn it!!! You wouldn't believe how easily amused I am. With myself, at least. I'd have to agree, that I am the coolest, and most hilarious person on the face of the earth. Trey Parker would be lucky to have such a wife. That son of a bitch!!! Why hasn't he written me? Why hasn't he even tried to make contact? I am starting to worry that this marriage is going to be postponed. NO!!!! IT CAN"T BE!!!! What ever will I do?!?!?!? I think I'm going to buy some diet pills with my next paycheck. There is a solution to the energy problem, and the fat (not phat) problem. Man, I'm smart. Is there any way to drink that won't cause you to gain (or hold) weight? Or is alcohol in general a bad thing for a hopeful weight loss participant? I need a fucking drink already, and I'm not even off work!! Mother effing christ!!!! I'll leave you be, now. Hope you had fun with the inards of my tired brain. Have a splendid __________. (fill in the blank.) ---(i mean, the line with blank space on top of it.)

Overload!!! Overload!!!

2005-08-28T10:55:00.000-07:00

Good (no particular time of day...) everyone!!! How have we all been? Splendid, I hope.

Okay, enough of the silly crap. I don't know why I even started to write. My brain is so cluster-fucked! Way too many things are going on in there. I wish I had a little drain-plug, like a cooler does... That way, if too much crap is floating around, I can just pull the plug, and let some unimportant stuff out. I'm not even sure if there is any unimportant stuff in there. Holy, man alive, I'm tellin you. I can't even decifer what is priority, and what is trash. I can't even think straight, look at me; I'm babbling like a --- I don't know what?... Somebody help me, please!!!

I've been working a huge butt-load. 9 to 10 1/2 hour days. I only take a half hour lunch, lately, because they need the help so bad, and I'd rather prove myself a hard, and dedicated worker from the get-go. I think I'm doing a pretty good job. Ouch, my back. Last Wednesday, I started at 7:30, worked until 6:40, then we had CPR and first aid training at the center, from 6:30-9:30. (they waited for me cause a mommy showed up ten minutes late.) Can we say, "Too much time spent in one place?!?!?" Those sons of bitches... I had (only) 6 1/2 hours over time for next paycheck. The first week, I didn't work any overtime. It was all from last week. babble,babble,babble...

I'm going crazy with all of my personal life happenings, too. Boys are scary, and confusing, and fuck them, really. A good amount of my friends are being morons, and I'm sick of it. I really only hang out with one person, lately. I really like my Kelli Lake. She's a good girl. My favorite person in the whole world as of now.I'm perfectly fine with hanging out with only her. She keeps me sane. There's no pressure, or discomfort, no expectation, she is a real, good friend. I'm glad to have her. I need to learn to keep my money in my wallet. I got a pay check last Tuesday. For six days, and 49 hours, I earned $319.63. Nice. At that rate... with two full weeks on there, I should have a driver's license in no time!!! (That is--If I CAN learn to keep the $ in the wallet...) Wish me luck. I am just really at a very confusing point in my life. I'm living with my folks. It really is eating away at me. I'm almost twenty four years old!! What the fuck!? I need to get things figured out, and quick!! Or I just might do something drastic. I have been on my own since I was sixteen years old. It's not a nightmare living here, but I just NEED my own place, my own being. I need that sense of- 'this is mine-- this is me'... This is not something I feel here. Whatever... Working for a living sucks ass.

I've talked to Eric (NY boy) a couple times in the last week. He called, and was being really cool. I guess he is working at this train station close to where our apt. was. Some toy store owner is having them turn it into a house for him. How fucking cool! He said he would take a few pictures for me. I LOVE TRAINS!!! I called him on my lunch break on Friday. Just to see what was up... how he was doing. I told him I would call him the day after I talked to him before... I forgot to. He said he misses me. I miss him, too. He was a good dude. We always had fun. We were on the same page for the most part. But what the future holds for us, if anything, I don't know.

Okay, I'm getting out of here. I'm wasting time. Mine, yours, and my impatient little sisters'. If you have the number for Doctor Kavorkian... Please leave a comment. If you're going to leave a comment to correct the spelling of his name... Fuck off, and don't.

I am planning a mass murder... pass it on.

2005-08-21T18:51:00.000-07:00

I am pissed. I am fucking irritated. I already started writing this shit a minute ago, but i fucked it up, and now i have to start all fucking over again. Why am I so fucking pissed, you ask? Maybe you didn't.... here, go ahead... ask... Okay, now i don't really feel like telling you. I fucking hate everybody. I am so sick of it all. I am so sick of drama queen, spoiled-ass fucking bitches. I am sick of listening to even a mere breath escaping from their mouths. I am sick of sitting back, and being forced to listen to these little fat-faced bitches demean me, and not being told to shut the fuck up, and have some fucking respect. I am sick of people who can't just fucking grow the fuck up, and get over shit. If someone is bothering you, fucking ignore them. Iam sick of people who play favorites, and even worse, least favorites. I am sick of a lot of fucking things. Shall I go on? Keep your opinion to yourself, i don't want it. I am sick of people who do ignorant, and careless things, in hopes that it will be taken as funny. I especially am sick of getting hit in the fucking face with shit. I will not accept any more fucking apologies, because an apology entails working to not do that same sort of thing, yes? An apology every other day is bullshit. I am sick of fucking hearing the name Matt Parks. I am sick of being in debt. My being in debt makes for a shitty time for me. I am sick of hearing about it. I am sick to my stomach. I am poor, and have to smoke these sick "Merit" cigarettes. They were given to me by a real, and loving person. Not someone close to me, but someone close to someone i am becoming very close to. Do you care? NO? that makes me sick. These smokes are sick, guys. SICK. I am sick of not having my own place. I am sick of cheer. I am sick of waiting until September 8th for football season to start. I am sick of not seeing the Detroit Lions win the super bowl. Is that so fucking hard? It's sickening. I am sick of people telling me to tell them when I'm done with the computer. I am sick of the buzz of the television, and of the sight of mindless retards in a daze at the disney channel. I am sick of non-educational programming. I am sick of smut. I am so hungry that I am becoming sick. I am sick. I am beginning to think that i am sick in the head. The new Mustang GT's are sick.

I am a mindless retard. I am doing no good. I am sick of hearing. Being deaf would be sick. I wish I had some useful information to pass on. Because when I said "mass murder"-- I meant mass suicide. It's gonna be tomorrow. It's gonna be sick.

fOR THOSE OF US WHO CAN'T SEEM TO GET THE OLD ONE.... (jesus christ...)

2005-08-19T13:29:00.000-07:00

Crazy house, Crazy house, Crazy house!!!!

2005-08-15T22:40:00.000-07:00

Unruley children, disrespectful as well. Not only to my parents, but to me, too. (okay, only one is disrespectful to me.) It seems as though I will have my own room tomorrow... which is nice. I need it. I hope that my pappy will feel comfortable enough to be able to share it with me.(as a place of escape.) I think he doesn't want to invade my space. Little does he know, he is the only one I would prefer come into a room that is "mine." It was his in the first place. That is not my only reasoning... I enjoy his company more than I think he realizes. I do not know what the eff is going on here; it really is a mad house. More drama than living with Shayla, the only difference is that the drama is not all directed toward ME. I am just expected to play "peace-keeper." I am not bothered by this, I just think that I am causing more aggravation than is wanted. My advice is not taken, I think it is more looked at as criticism. I have no room to criticize anyone. I have made many a mistake in my day.

Blah, blah, blah... I'm done talking. Hey, check this out... Anthony, my good friend in Iraq, took this picture. He did this in some cement that they had to replace because they keep getting bombed in this particular area. He said he did it for good luck. I love this guy!!!

Those are my initials, and the pic is directly above... I'm sure you smart people have already figured this out. Isn't that so cool, though??!! He's a cool dude. He's been a close family friend for as long as i can remember. Have a good whatever... Love you guys!

Saturday equals Bavarian Berry!!!

2005-08-13T13:18:00.000-07:00

Ever had one? It's a delicious blend of blueberry ale and hefeweisen. Why does that look like it's spelled wrong? Available at our local "Streets of New York." They have a whole brewery there. My Daddy goes up there once a week. They love him there. The brew-master is even pretty good acquaintances with pops. He was a big influence on my Dad to start brewing his own beer at home! Which is pretty damn sweet, if you ask me! I'm gonna go up with my Dad today, and see what might be troubling him. He seems a little stressed today. Poor guy lives with-- well, you know. Can we say, "shoot me?"

Let's see.... They hired a teacher for the two's room. Did I mention I wanted that FUCKING ROOM???!!! Whoa... is that the way a day care attendant should be talking? Let's use our inside voices, and appropraite words, please. Thanks, bitch. ----oof.---- How gay is that?! (no offense, you homos out there.) Sometimes I wonder if my sarcasm, and foul sense of humor will get me into trouble one day. Then I remember I don't give a shit. I'm kind of a scatter brain today. Got pretty loaded last night. Jason's old best friend from California drove out . He and Matt Parks came and got me, because I love Corey! And his woman. I haven't seen them in, like, a year! And when I did see, Corey, at least, I was on drugs. Had been for a good while. I was lost. And a mess. I was a lost mess. Yeah, so that was fun. Drunk-off-his-ass Matt met my parents. Boy, was he loaded! Holy! It was almost ugly. But my parents are cool, and they took drunk-Matt pretty well. He WAS DRUNK. I just can't stress that enough. When Jason and I dropped him off at his mom's house, for some strange reason he wanted us to stay there. I had to go pee, so I went in and used the bathroom, and when I came out, Matt was laying Jason down in his sister's old room. Then he motioned me to come into his room. So I ran in, when Matty wasn't looking, and jumped on the bed J was on, and pretended I was asleep. We were just gonna wait til he went to bed, then we were gonna sneak out the door, but he was stumbling all over the house for a while. We couldn't stop laughing. I was fucking cracking up! We couldn't tell where he was in the house, and it had been a few minutes, so i said, " What the FUCK are we doing?-- it's not like he's four!!!-- let's just fucking go!!" So we jumped up, still cracking up, and beelined it to the door. Still no sign of Matt. We got outside, and I yelled RUN! --and continued running til I got to the truck. As soon as J got in, we sped off. Then Jason asked if I had seen Matt. He was laughing. Apparently Matt was standing right outside the front door. Hahaha ha ha ha ha? Funny huh? Maybe you had to be there.

Okay, what else? ummmmmmmmmm........ I think I'm starting to get sick from all the kids... oh, wait, did I already say that? I think I might go out with Captain Underpants, etc. to get some 25 cent bottles at some lame bar tonight. Yippee. Then I think the Capn' is having a party at his house. Captain Underpants is Jason... by the way. Okay, I'm tired, and I don't think I have anything important to say, again!! Son of a....... have a great whatever time of day it is wherever you are!

So, how's work going, Dawn?

2005-08-10T19:37:00.000-07:00

Funny you ask. At first it was kind of terrible. The lady I work with is a friggin loon, who has no idea what the fuck she's doing. She gives me instructions on exactly what to do, and exactly how to do it, as if I have no clue how to care for children, what they need, or what they want. Her mouth is moving non-stop. I could go on about the passionate hate I have for this woman as a co-worker for days. I won't. As a person, I don't hate her, she's alright... I guess. (besides being a complete LOON.) It took me a while to get fully into the swing of things, which was totally expected, no biggy. As the days go on, though, it's getting easier and easier. The lady I talked to at my first interview, that was really impressed with me, and loved me to death, came in this afternoon, and asked me how everything was going. I told her about how the loon talks to me like I've never even seen a child, but otherwise, it's alright. She went on about how she has been begging the director to let me take her two year old class, because her assistant is going back to school next week. It may be able to happen, the only thing holding me back is the fact that I don't have two years experience in an official day care...... I really think I do, though.... oh well. She kept saying that she is frustrated, because (she said) I am NOT assistant material, that I need to be in my own class, and the loon is best off with somebody who actually has no idea what they're doing, because she is a lazy drill sergeant. blah blah blah.

Let me give you a couple frustrating instances where I wanted to punch the loon in the face... First off, she "WILL NOT" hold these children, because they need to learn how to walk on there own, and independantly follow directions. Carrying them to the changing table, or outside, or whatever, is not "acceptable." Though, she has her favorites, that she holds occasionally, and really does things according to how she feels. This morning, a little girl who has only been there three days was crying hard, and long enough to end up vomiting. Because she wouldn't hold her for a minute, or comfort her. She also allows no "binkeys" (or as I call them, plugs) in the room, except for at nap time. This particular little girl has always had her plug, and was obviously in need of some comfort mechanism. Maybe that's not all that bad, but they're one.... they need complete compassion sometimes, not a hard-ass. Another occurance happened just yesterday; We took the kids outside. It was hot, and humid as hell. Half of the kids were screaming... one, because he's had double ear infections for a week, and has still been brought in every day... We had 12 kids, two are face down in the wood chips, bawling... til I stepped in... She kept going inside, running her stupid little loon-ball errands, leaving me with a playground full of very unhappy babies. Then when we directed them all inside, she washed all the faces and hands, but allowed no one any water. What the fuck??!! So today, after outside time, I took charge, washed faces and hands, and gave them each some water at the sink. All of these minor things she does, I will be correcting. These babies need to be CARED FOR. She also waits till everyone has waken up from nap, to change diapers. She demands that they all SIT DOWN, until she is done changing, which is impossible. The way she does things are just-- really, the hard way of doing things, and I am supposed to follow along with a obediant smile. UUMMMM, you're crazy. Don't get me wrong... the kids are well taken care of, she really does love kids, she just is clueless as to how to handle a group of them.

That last sentence was a little hypocritical, wasn't it? Whatever.... So the job is getting better as the days go by, but I gotta go.

Hey. Guess what? I am an employed patron.

2005-08-08T22:19:00.000-07:00

I, again, don't have much of anything to say. Imagine that!! I just had mommy take a couple pictures of my wrist, so Rachael could see the monstrosity. I like it. It really does, look cooler in person... The artist; who's book I pulled the designs from, is a very dark, very talented man. If you'd like to look on his website, as I mentioned in one of my picture entries-- it is H.R. Giger.com. He is responsible for designing the alien in the Alien movies, as well as the predator in "Predator." Yeah, so .... if I hear one more time: "Dawn, when are you gonna be done with the computer?" OR "Dawn, you're taking too long." OR ANYTHING ELSE ALONG THOSE LINES......... I am going to shit myself with rage!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So, I"m going to end this right the fuck now.

(I'm not really irritated..... I just really have to use the potty, and the comments are not helping.....)

Rachael, here's the masterpiece..... like, seventy shots of it....

2005-08-08T22:13:00.000-07:00

It really looks a lot cooler in person. I swear...

2005-08-08T22:06:00.000-07:00

This is me, as a baby... actually, no... go look on H.R. Giger.com.

2005-08-08T22:05:00.000-07:00

For those of you who don't care... please look away...

2005-08-08T22:04:00.000-07:00

I stole her hat!!!

2005-08-08T00:05:00.000-07:00

SWEEEEET!!! I've loved this hat since I lived with her....

I had a great weekend!! No, seriously, it was the best weekend I've had in.... I don't know, that's not important.... So, Friday night, we went up to Chuy's, so Sandra, my littlest sister could win the karaoke contest. She kicked ass. Jason, and Kelli, and a couple other people came up there to sing, too. Even Sheila and Steve came up for the festivities!!! We all had a good time, I think. Then Jason, Kelli, Aaron, and I went to this house party that our buddy Shawn V. knew about. His buddy's band was playing. When the party was "broken up" (about thirty minutes after we got there) we were driving home --- i mean, we took a cab...... don't drink and drive, kids---- I realized we were right next to Shayla's house. (Shayla is my troubled friend of 16 years.) So, I decided that we should stop in and make sure she's not hittin the can, or whatever the fuck she does..... She wasn't there, but her sister was. Her sister just turned twenty one last week. And were we too high to call Dawn for "my" little sister's b-day??!! Apparently so...... We hung out for a little while, I expressed my concerns, she agreed. She wanted her mom to help her out with an intervention, but her mom is going on vacation to San Diego next week, and she doesn't want anything to ruin it for her. Her mom is a crazy bitch. Let's not get into that. Yeah, so I got the confirmation. Mom called the school district on Friday. Her supervisor is pretty close with her, she's worked there for years.... and was worried as well. I'm scared. I would not have been able to make that call. It was tearing me up even thinking about it. Anyway... While I was there, I saw the hat I always would wear when I lived there. I figured she made my heart hurt so bad that I should probably steal it.

Okay, so then... slept most of the day Saturday. Felt like shit. Got a call around 6:30 pm, we're leaving in an hour for Sommer's birthday party. We've been planning this for over a month. Sommer is Jason's sister. At first, I wasn't gonna go... I got DOWN night before. I had a little bit too much fun for me to be having as good a time again tonight. Then I was informed that a few of our other friends were going.
So I went. We stayed up drinking until the sun came up. Playing pool.... we were all laughing our asses off the whole time. We had so much fun. I'm rambling. We woke up again at around 1:00pm today, and started all over again. playing pool, drinkin, laughing, blaring super-awesome music, fuckin with each other, and the pizza delivery man. So I'm pretty worn out. I had a blast.

My first day at work was alright. For a little while there, I thought I was gonna walk out, or just not come back.... It got better, though. I'm seriously tired, though. I will make more sense tomorrow.... I'll re-read this, and magically turn it into english for you all to be able to understand it... Good night, everyone!!! Thank you for your support, and kind words. I had just the distraction for such a shitty... well.... latter part of the week... I had a great weekend. Did I already say that? dilerious. sleeping time. hydrate first... good night.

Gay, Gay, Great

2005-08-04T19:51:00.000-07:00

Oh my fucking goodness. I am over my drug addiction, okay? I am so done trying to deal with people who are fucked up on drugs... I'm shaking. I am so pissed. I do not want to worry about the people I care about most being fucked up on shit that is not necessary. I wish I would've learned how fucked up all that shit is, without having to go through it myself. But like I've said before, I only learn by falling face first into a huge pile of elephant shit, to step around it next time. Why can't you (or I) just know that something is wrong, and something is harmful, and that this thing can RUIN YOUR LIFE. (and the lives of those who care about you.) Are we wondering what she's talking about yet?

My "best" friend, who I have known since I was eight, has been snorting oxycoten (sp?) for two years. Yeah, it sucks, and yeah, I wish there was something I could say that would make her stop. Now I know how everyone felt when I was fucked up on tweek. That's only the beginning of it, though. My good buddy just informed me that he saw one of her old, good friends, and she told him that she is doing that shit at her place of work, at a public school, where she is in charge of a whole class of small children. Okay, that's really lame. Hey... there's still MORE!!!! One night, when I was staying with my "best" friend, when I was in the process of cleaning up, her buddy came over, and was hitting some shit off a can. I was very curious as to what the fuck that was, I had never seen it done before. He was smoking HEROIN. And guess who's hooked on that shit now??????!!!!!!!!!!??????!!!!!!!!!!???????!!!!! You guessed it! That fucking bitch. I am so fucking irrate right now. I am shaking like a fucking leaf. I don't know what to do. So I called her. And yep, she's fucked the fuck up on something!!! I couldn't even ask her about it. I knew she would lie. Just like I lied to everyone when I was fucked the fuck up. What the fuck? Please excuse all the profanity, I am so fucking pissed, though. And hurt. And scared for her. And I want to call her place of work, and tell them that my child goes to that school, and I have suspicions that my child's teacher is doing something illegal in their bathroom. I don't know what else to do. I am so scared for her. I started crying when I was on the phone with her, because I could tell she was out to lunch. That is huge, too, cause I do not fucking cry. I am too much of a man to cry.... at least that's what I like to tell myself.

Aside from all that... The daycare called me this evening, and I start tomorrow. I'm gonna go get shit-faced. I am so scared, and helpless. What am I supposed to do?

YIP-FUCKING-EEEEEE!!!!!

2005-08-03T13:34:00.000-07:00

Hello there, again! So Dawn's down in the dumps, right? Dawn just gets back from her second interview, and looses all motivation. I was intimidated... I have no more friends to borrow money from... being addicted to drugs led me to exaust all those resources. (plus Rachael... I don't have 17 friends... I don't even have 7. Hee hee, kidding) I'm living rent-free with my parents, who are feeding me as well.... Regardless..... You gotta hear the latest.

I'm sitting here yesterday, screwing around on the computer, talking to my buddy in Iraq, figuring this day care thing probably won't work. My little sister hands me the phone: "It's Mill Avenue Daycare..." --damn it!!! Mother fu...-- "hello?" The director was just checking on my progress on my mile long list of things to do. She wanted to know if I could bring some of the stuff in today. I'm freaking... I felt bad for giving up, and told her as soon as my mom gets back, we'll try to get some of that stuff done. Whatever... sit down... play on the computer... she calls back twenty minutes later! She tells me that all she really needs to get my application processed through the corporate offices, is a copy of my fingerprint card, and the money order to get the actual clearance card, and the Affidavit notarized. She said she has a current employee who has been in the GED classes online for five months (like she's actually trying; five months, come on!!) and while she was on the phone with me, had one of her girls go and get the name of the place she contacted. She asked again, if I would be able to bring this stuff in today. Holy shit!! I was so excited! She called me twice in half an hour, and really seems to want me to work with her!!!

So when mom gets back, like right as I got off the phone, I'm jumping and screaming... I was so excited. We almost immediately went down to the doctor's office, cause mom made me an appointment to get my TB shot... got that out of the way! Then we went and got the paper notarized at the bank. The lady didn't even charge us!!! We were going to get the money order there, but she told us that it's five dollars for one, as opposed to 99 cents at your local Circle K. Awesome, thank you!! So we go to Circle K... the lady says: next door they're only 49 cents... Whatever, I need cigarettes, too. We got it there. I took all the stuff down, and she was stoked. She copied all my shits, I told her I got my TB shot...great. I was telling her about how I was super- disappointed, cause I figured the GED thing would screw me. I have an appointment to take a placement test, and get enrolled into a class , next Thursday. She said, "Alright, well... we'll just let that slide." HOW GOOD ARE THINGS GOING FOR ME TODAY???!!! Sweet.

...Now... On both my interviews I wore a long sleeved shirt. (yes the temperature IS above 100...) This time, I figure, I better get this thing on my wrist out there in the open, so if they want to change their minds, go ahead. (I'll stop trying to fool myself, they have already seen it.) I just wanted it to be RIGHT THERE. She fills out the cover sheet for my application, which she has to fax to the "man", and takes me into this little back room, to explain everything to me. "We put you in as a teacher. Let's say your start date will be... this Friday. You'll be starting at $8.25."------What the fuck did you just say to me!!!?????? Eight twenty-five at a fucking day care? This is completely unheard of!!!! ( for those of you who have worked in day cares, and this sounds normal... I have not been this lucky. I was expecting, at most, seven dollars. AT MOST.)-------- So, she goes over all this, and then says, as we're both kneeling at a table, "Sign here, date here, social security number here." Okay, guys, here's the moment of truth.... My wrist is waving around right in her face... done. Then she says, "Alright, I'll get this faxed in, as soon as they e-mail me, I'll call you. Now go celebrate!!!" How friggin happy is this little camper? I could not believe how smoothly things actually went. I owe all kinds of thanks to my mom, who took charge in my moments of panic, and kept me on the trolley. THANK YOU MOMMY.

So the only things I need now, are my written references, some clothes, I go back on friday to find out that I don't have tuberculosis, cause I don't, right? And next Thursday, after I get my enrollment sheet--I'm good! Can you do the cabbage patch for me? How about the running man? The Roger Rabbit? Will you raise the roof? Okay, I got it... do the wave. Everybody, come on!!! Yeah so thanks for letting me bitch, cause I was very upset about whatever I let my head run away with

Sick of it all...

2005-08-01T15:38:00.000-07:00

What do you people expect from me?! (excuse me, not you...) I hate people. I am angry. What the FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF.... i will contain myself. Mother FFFFFFF... irritated. aggravated. shut up, you faggot. leave me alone. eff off. go to hell. GUYS!!!! I'm MAD!!! What else do I have to do??!! GRRRRR. damn it. I wish you all could really see and feel how pissed I am right now. Sons of beeyotches!

Okay, so it's monday, right? The day that I was going to be contacted by the director of the day care, for my second interview... They can rot in hell. Or maybe not. I don't know, they just want so much from me!!!! It's all legit, and probably necessary... well, not all of it... well, maybe, or maybe not, or... okay, shut up, Dawn. In order for me to begin my employment, I have to go and get an application to send in my fingerprint card, to have them run a background check. Before sending it in, the day care needs a copy of those, and a copy of the $52.00 money order to process it. Then I have to get this paper called an affidavit notarized, and give them a copy. Then I have to get a TB shot, and give them a copy of the paper saying my test came back negative. Those two things will cost another $25.00. Then they need a copy of my GED.... Okay, so I tell her I am in the process of getting it... "you'll need to bring me a copy of the class enrollment form, then, which should also state on what date you will be recieving your diploma." So, now I have to take the classes? Well, regadless, my GED will cost me another $40.00. I will also need to have four written references-- two personal, and two professional. What's wrong with you calling the references I have already provided you with on my application? Then, I will have to go to some clothing store, to purchase things that will comply with their dress code. Let's see, have I covered it all? What the fuck? Can we say, total downer?! I'm way disappointed. After I get all this in, they have to send it all to corporate, and then it will take another seventy-two hours to get the go-ahead to hire me. I say: fuck 'em.

I went to my old place of work, Chuy's, and my former boss said he is losing a couple of girls, and might need a full time employee soon. I'm really considering checking into this. I wouldn't have to train at all, which would be good for us both. Not to mention the money I would make at Chuy's is a lot more than I could even dream about making at some day care. I'm pissed. I'm confused, and I don't know what the hell to do. Why would I want to spend money to get a job? This is why I need a job, hello??!! I have NO money!!!! Whatever. This is gay. I hate everyone. Everyone can jump off a bridge, as far as I'm concerned. Perhaps I'll join them all.

Is it just me, or does this all seem a little excessive? I do not have $170.00 to spend on all this shit! And it all has to be in first, in order for them to even consider my application! I'm more than qualified... that is no issue. Not to sound conceted, but they would be lucky to have me on their team. I have a lot to offer these poor children!! Why do they require so much for a stupid assistant position?! I'm sick of talking about it. Sorry for ranting and raving.... but thank you for listening. I hate this. I just want a job.... I just want some money.... I just want to get the fuck out of this house all fucking day!! I just want to hang myself. Nobody can collect any money from me when I'm dead, right?

I think I've got it!!!!!

2005-07-27T17:05:00.000-07:00

Okay, so... I've been back for a month, roughly. Being worthless, having fun, trying to make some sense of this house with my mother, but mostly being worthless. I got my bicycle back from my buddy Jason, and replaced the tubes, the seat, and gave it a horn, so I could go and find a job. Then I took it for a test run to make sure I put it together right. ---"Umm, MOMMY!!!!!- can you drive me up to get a job??!!!" --- You see... I had forgotten about the 20 pounds I'd gained, the fact that I live in Arizona, and that the date is JULY FRIGGIN TWENTY-SEVENTH!!!! Can we say, impossible?

But guess WHAT?! K, so mom gave me the number to the daycare right up the road. (like two blocks away) I haven't worked in a day care for quite some time, over two years maybe. But goodness knows that is the one thing that I can do with my eyes closed, and that is one job that brings me more joy than (don't tell my daddy) a regular lay. So I call, and I ask if they're hiring. Expecting to hear for the fifth time that day, NO!!! But the very sweet sounding lady on the phone almost desparately says, "Yes, can you come fill out an application right now?" Whoa!!! So mom drives me up there (again, the temp. is 111) and I talk to the same lady, who says they need help badly, because enrollment is through the roof. I ask her if she has any positions in particular that need filled, informing her that my favorite, and most experienced ages are two and ones. She says to me, "How would a full time one's teacher sound to you?" Holy, can I kiss you??!! So I fill out the huge application, talk to them for a second, and arrange for an interview the next day, at 2:00pm. ---I went in today at 2:00, and talked to this really cool girl that works in the two's room. She was about my age, and really made my nervousness vanish! She interviewed me for about 20 minutes, and we were both super-excited! All the information she gave me about the place seemed perfect for me, and she was blown away by my responses to her questions. She told me, and everyone else we passed that worked there, that if it were up to her, I'd be hired right there! She gave me the tour, introduced me to everyone, one girl I recognized from middle school, and she totally remembered me. It was AWESOME!! I am SO EXCITED!! So this coming monday, when the director gets back from her personal time off, she's gonna call me and arrange for a second interview, at which (the assistant director said) we'll get all the paper work started, so I can get in and help them!! I AM SO HAPPY.

So, tomorrow, mom and I are going to go get my fingerprint clearance card from the police department, so I can have that upon my second interview. The girls all also said that they needed to renew their CPR and first aid certifications, so I could join them. Dude, this is all seeming to be so perfect. I am more excited than words can explain. I'm not going to be worthless anymore!! The only thing I'm a little nervous about is the tattoo on my wrist, which isn't very friendly. I love it, and don't regret getting it, and if they don't like it, too bad, but still, I hope these people can see past the art I chose to put on myself. Cause, yeah, that'd be great, thanks! In case you're curious, the artist from whom it was inspired is named H.R. Giger. He has a website, if you're THAT interested. It is a twisted art form, but I love it.

Anyway.... There's my last couple days in a nutshell. If you're reading this, Rachel: I've gotten over the jobless hump... I think. did I just curse myself? Does that mean my chances are shot? Does this mean suicide...again?

I've run out of funnies....

2005-07-25T12:21:00.000-07:00

Good morning/afternoon/evening, everybody! Hope we all had a good weekend! Would you like to hear about mine?! If not, drag your mouse up to the top right hand side of this window, click the red square with the "X" in it, and EFF OFF!
Hee hee! Um, where do we start... Friday night I hung out with Kelli, and all kinds of other good buddies, including a man who I REALLY am going to marry, named Zach. The only thing is, Zach is not a big drinker-- um, whoa, hold on a minute... did I just say that? Maybe I can cool it a little bit and we'll be good. Anyway, we all had a blast. Went for a walk (5 of us) over the footbridge for the freeeway, did a little roof climbing, watched poor Kelli kind of fall off the roof, landing on the gate with a leg over either side of it... youch. Stayed up til about 5:00am-ish. It was fun. But the weekend didn't really start til Saturday-- We were all going to Crown King, AZ-- which is a BEAUTIFUL very small town up in the mountains, about 7,000 feet up. There is about 60-90 people who live there full time. Everybody I went with goes there pretty often. This was my first time, though. Anyway... So there's one bar, they had karaoke Sat. night. Kelli sang a lot of songs. I danced a little, I am not a singer. Don't try. I'm just fine with that. I could not believe how laid back, polite, and fun the people in this town were! It was awesome! Everyone made you feel completely comfortable, and welcome. I GOT SHITFACED!!! We stayed at the bar for lots of hours. Kelli and I rode her Banshee back to the cabin-- we walked the first time, but it was pouring down rain for so long that the road to the cabin was flooded. It was like, 50 feet of half-foot deep water, and either side of the road was covered with trees and bushes. So we get back, Kelli and Aaron (her baby-daddy) passed out, and my buddies Matt, and Jason and I went over to the cabin next door. There were a bunch of people hanging out outside, and they recognized us from the bar. They were pretty damn cool. We all kept drinking til like, 4 in the morning-- then when we went home I couldn't lay down cause my head was spinning. Jason told me to go make myself puke, and I'd be fine. I said if I did that, I'd be puking all night,and all day, but finally he talked me into it... and... guess what happened!!! Dawn's vomiting everywhere.
The next day, we all went out for breakfast... I mean, everyone else had breakfast, I hung out at the table until I finally could puke again, and then ate the dry parts of my buttered toast, and had as much water as I could stomache... I hate water... Then we all went back to the lake. A 6 mile drive on terrible roads, where we could only bump around at 15 MPH. I did pretty well. I didn't puke until we were a half mile away from our destination point. Came home, slept, whatever...

But listen to this!!!!!! Okay, so, last Friday, when I was stupid... When I hung out with Eric's cousin all night... and he made me hate Hamiltons... Well, I talked to Eric about it. I told him exactly what happened, and even that I didn't want to talk to him after that whole night. But I did. I didn't tell him I loved him, though. Anyway... that night/day, I didn't want to come out of Todd (the cousin)'s room, because he lives with Eric's sister, and I knew she would develope some scandelous story about me sleeping with Todd. GUESS WHAT??!! (excuse my potty mouth daddy) That fucking cunt did exactly that! Eric called me yesterday: "So, I talked to my sister earlier..." -and I say-"Yeah, how was that?" -here's Eric again- "She elaborated on your night with Todd..." What in the fuck??!!! Excuse the fuck out of me.... I told him exactly what happened, I told him EVERYTHING. And you talk to your moronic-drama-obsessed-ugly sister, who obviously is so dissatisfied with herself, that she feels the need to fill your head with stupid lies that do nothing but cause problems and make you unhappy??!! What a selfish, and pathetic piece of shit!! All this is nothing I care too deeply about, because I AM DONE with that family, it's just so ridiculous that this girl thinks her life is worth living!!! I can't wait to see her again, I'm gonna make myself laugh so hard!! My favorite thing to do about people I hate is sit close and talk shit where they can ACTUALLY HEAR ME, and hope that she wants to "go." hee hee. I don't fight... I just want the opportunity to talk shit to her face. I'm so mad, how can people lie so much!! That is SO LAME!! Eric can think whatever he wants. He hasn't been my boyfriend for a while, as far as I'm concerned.

Screw this, I'm outty five-thou, my niggas!!!

Hey, man!! Check it out!

2005-07-22T14:09:00.000-07:00

I'm freakin posting, okay!!!! I didn't think anybody gave a damn! I thought I was the only one who thought I was interesting. You all don't have to lie to me! I am well aware that you're just reading all this because my mommy has something over your heads... Hee hee...
Okay, let's see... My friend's dog just had to be put down, and she doesn't seem to realize that every day can only be as crappy as you make it... Please don't think I'm an insensitive beeyotch... The dog had cancer, and it really needed to be let go. I love the girl to death, I guess I just don't deal with upset people too well. I wish I knew what I could do... I guess I cheer her up by being the cool, and funny, and charming, person who smells good, and has a great laugh, and is beautiful, and doesn't weigh more than she wants.......... Holy crap... I'm day dreaming. So anyway, back to my point... We were gonna take her out to this bar that she goes to almost every Thursday (okay, she's only been there twice in the last month)--(man, I lie so much!) cause they have NICKEL BEERS!!!! And it was our girlfriend's birthday, so we thought it would be good for her. I caught a ride up with the only girl I've ever thought so much of, my friend named Kelli. We were both pretty loaded upon arrival, parked... (i mean we caught a cab: kids, don't drink and drive...) and went in to grab a few beers, and apparently, there is this older guy that comes in periodically, and pays for ALL the ladies' beers ALL night! He was kinda creepy, but wasn't a perv. It was super-sweet! So we stayed there for a couple hours, and Kelli ran into these kids she grew up with. They were pretty cool. The birthday girl wanted to leave, which sucked, cause we were having a blast! The band sucked! The beer sucked! We had all we could ask for, right? So we went to pull out of the parking lot, (in a cab, right, audience?) and Kelli, (or as I like to refer to her as... retard!) in her brand new super-truck, goes scraping across the bumper of this nasty old beater! This four-foot dent went all down the side... She about shit! She was so upset, especially because her baby-daddy had an attitude before we left anyway. She knew she was going to get YELLED AT! Poor girl, I was like, "Dude, it was like that when we came out... hit and run, right?-- Somebody did it TO YOU!!" (I got your back, girl...)

*Let me inform you: there is NO way anybody could have produced this huge blemish.
It was ALL her, and it was ALL too obvious, then again, baby-daddy Is a moron...

Wasn't that fun??!! This morning, my good buddy who's in Iraq right now, was on the computer, so we "IM"-ed each other for, like, an hour. Maybe not a full hour, regardless, it was so nice to get to talk to him. I guess we e-mail each other almost every day, whatever. I made him go out and get Team America: World Police. For those of you who are oblivious to this masterpiece, go out and get it. It is pure genius, at it's best, even. It is hilarious. Oh, yeah: Trey Parker, you know him as my husband, wrote it. I think I've told this to you already... Okay, I've become exremely uninteresting again. So I will let all of you get back to whatever you have to do. Have a good day, seriously. This comes from my heart. Anybody who takes time and interest in my feelings and thoughts, deserves a great day. Take care of yourselves.

--Insert clever phrase here--

2005-07-18T16:46:00.000-07:00

I deleted what I wrote previously. I did not want my little sisters to read, in depth, what I put myself through this past friday. I fell back into a funk, and made a mistake that I wish I was sober enough to stop. I did learn something else, though. Learning sucks. Learning hurts. I learned that I am SO DONE with the family I involved myself with about a year and a half ago. My "boy" in New York, as far as I'm concerned now,will no longer be my boy. I allowed myself to become involved with someone who is far too similar to me. We were set off by the same things, and we had the same flaws. I will only prolong my "I don't really give a shit" attitude if I stay with this boy. I need to find someone who can feed me more of this "do good for you" outlook on life. For the time being, I will do it on my own. It would be great if this perfect guy came along in the near future, but I think I can handle being without him for a good while.
I'm starving. Anybody wanna go get some Outback?! I love me a good, rare, filet mignon, side of veggies, please, and a salad with ranch. Sure, ranch is fine. I'd also like a good strong beverage. ooh, I can have a beverage here. Then again, is the wrath of the girl who dislikes an every night drinker worth a beverage? Is it possible for me to do anything right? Or am I destined to be the example of what not to do?
Can I lay down some curse words? I really feel like it. I'm angry. I'm frustrated. I hate people who pretend they are your friend. They all "really care," don't they? I don't pretend. If I don't really care that much about you, I'm not going to make you think that my shoulder is for your tears. I am a very compassionate person, don't get me wrong, and I give everyone as much respect and concern as I would like, but in the long run--- I don't know where I'm going with this. I hate fake people. I have been raised to not be fake, and to live with all my heart. Where are all the people who care? The only care I see in this world is, "what does Cosmo say I should be wearing this season?" "What's the latest diet, so I can look like a sickly whore?"
Speaking of which: I really hope in the future I don't have a daughter. If I do, I hope I can compete with the smut that is this world. I cannot watch TV without being disgusted in what my poor sisters are watching. --cleveage, my ass hanging out of my shorts at 12, the obsession of what boys think of me at age 9, only making it worse as you grow older.When I was a little girl, I could give two shits about boys. I mean, yeah, I had my crushes, but that is ALL I see these poor girls doing today. The only friends I had for more than one school year was my guy friends. I did not hang out with them because "it's so cool, I'm the only girl in this crowd!!" It was because I could talk to guys. They weren't judging me for what I was wearing, and I didn't care either. They just liked my company, and I enjoyed theirs. We laughed, we learned what growing up was, we had a BLAST! It makes me sick to see girls today, living their lives to impress. And the way I see girls acting around guys, holy, get a grip on yourself!! You look like a moronic floosy!

As you can see it's a slow topic day. I just said nothing in all that mess! Sorry, one vent lead to another. Have a great day!! Thanks for listening.

I WILL MARRY TREY PARKER...pass it on...

2005-07-14T16:33:00.000-07:00

Hello, to all who think I am half-way interesting! (and boy, are you confused!) I don't have too much to talk about today. I am being a bum. STILL! I woke up this morning at about 9:00am, finally got to listen to my favorite voice (aside from Trey), Glenn Beck. He is a genius. So, that gets over at 11:00, and then I fell back asleep. Being a highly motivated person in general.... I woke back up at 3:00pm. Can we all say, "Dawn, you are a loser. And a slob. And a fatso. And, you smell bad!" Thank you in advance for your cooperation.
So about the job thing... the chaos that has been my life, in a house of six females, me playing the mediator, because there's no getting around it, (THIS IS WHY I PREFER MALE FRIENDS AND ROOM MATES...PERIOD) anyway... I've been trying to help out with the crap going on around here- staying home with the girls, while my mom is caring for her crazy mother, and her friend who just had a sick baby. I then, was at the Sanders's's, house-sitting... which was great. The only thing stopping me from getting out there and hunting is..... um, more than one thing.... First, I have no vehicle... which doesn't even matter considering my license is suspended. My license is suspended because of a couple tickets I got about a year ago, when I was too twacked out to care to make it to my court date. In order to get my license back, (and in learning this, I broke down into a sob--- which is crazy, because I DON'T CRY...EVER---man, i'm a horrible liar...) it is going to cost me $856.80. Holy effing-- where will I get that??!! Oh yeah, a job. Another reason I am reluctant to take care of business, is, well, I guess I got my hopes up SO high, thinking about how I had that $35,000/year job "in the bag." I never heard anything back, even though I left a couple messages with the recruiter. That son of a bitch. I was so sure about that damn job. Now, it's like, I don't even want to go to these bars I have written down as possibilties, cause I'm disappointed, not to mention, when I was on tweek I covered every god-damned place in this city. Back then, I needed a job, especially to support my habit, but I certainly didn't want one. I would have rather sat at home and got all fucked up, all day, all night. A few places called me back, but I never followed through.
So there it is. No car, no license (unless i have $900.00), not even a bike, few new places to show my face for employment, and the tempurature outside is, on average daily, 112 degrees. Oh yeah, and I'm a worthless piece of turd.
I talked to the E-to-the (my boy in NY) yesterday. I miss him. I miss having someone to talk to all the time, whose thoughts and opinions are so very similar to mine. He is near genius, he is hilarious, he is a blast. We could hang out and joke around all day and night about anything, or nothing at all. I love him. I still, am glad that I will have this time to take care of myself, but I cannot wait to see his handsome face, and be in his big, muscular arms. I'm a nerd.
Holy, can I get somebody to publish this novel!!?? I will stop taking up your time, I will now shut my mouth.

Oh, wait... if anybody knows Trey Parker, can you please ask him to be my husband.

Anybody got an extra box?

2005-07-12T15:02:00.000-07:00

I've been house-sitting for a few days, now. It's quite nice. Peace and quiet... my book... a good selection of CD's... nice fish tanks... A LACK OF FIVE OTHER FEMALES!!! (praise Ala) (I don't even know who Ala is, or if I spelled it right...) Anyway I went and hung out with Stephen last night. Q.) Ummmm, you learn something every day???..... A.) Good God, yes!!!!! I learned that sometimes you feel like there could "still be something"-- I guess I didn't fully believe that, but I was overtaken by the sexual attraction i felt... Regardless... there will be no more of this "Dawn calling Stephen" bullcrap. After last night, I know that all of the giddy-ness I was "feeling" is nothing compared to reality. I feel terrible about myself. After hanging out with the dude, all I could do was compare every comment and opinion- differing from mine- that has always been completely agreed on by my boy, Eric.

...I am done with that subject.... I could go on about all this, but I don't want to feel it anymore...

So I am sitting at my mom's house for the time being. She has asked me to come and assist her with a conversation.... I don't know... can't I just go home??

gotta go talk now..... DAMN IT!

Titles are highly over-rated...

2005-07-08T18:52:00.000-07:00

What it is, world? I have not written in quite some time... I guess the novelty wore off. Let's start with some cool words: Shit, damn, fart, poopy, fuck-dick. Okay that was fun. Things are getting crazy around the house. I see stupid things that I think are gay, and feel the need to voice my opinion... Who am I to "judge" a sixteen year old? Excuse me if I don't want to see my parents treated the same way I treated them? What a hypocrite, right? Well I've learned a lot in my day, and I guess I just expect the people closest to me to get it before I did. I guess I just don't realize that it took me forever to see how selfish I was being. I have not blamed anyone for the pain I have suffered. I do not dwell on it. I am responsible for my own actions, and I am responsible for taking everything I've been through, and making something out of it. I have become the strong person I am because of the things that I have put myself through, and the things I have been through that were not up to me. Parents are here to do the best job they can, in knowing what they know, and seeing what they have seen. My parents have opened their hearts, and their home to many children, and many situations, and I will not stand by and listen to an angry little girl tell my mother that she wishes she was not adopted by her. If you are reading this... Do not take my words personally, and I love you no matter what. Let's just look at the situation: Excuse me for saying it, but you are sixteen. You are mad about not getting your way, and you are mad when someone says you are not "being responsible." I know-- in being there myself that is annoying and you will not be able to talk calmly because you feel like you are being attacked. But if you could please just look at ---- I'm going to stop here. I will make no change in any young mind at this point. I will say this, though: A lot of people were very happy to make the sacrifices they have made for you. BE THANKFUL. Being a teenager sucks, but think about the angry words that your foul tongue are forming. Deal with being a teenager, and deal with the drama that it entails, not only caused by your parents.
Why am I wasting my time? Why do I think that my words might make a difference? You know what: I don't think that. I do know, though, that it hurt me- TERRIBLY- to hear the words I heard. And it kills me to think that a life filled with all that it would be filled with, seems "better" to you. Perhaps it doesn't. I hope it doesn't. I know that anger leads to such words... It's dinner time.....

A lost soul

2005-06-30T22:03:00.000-07:00

I don't know where to start... I went and applied at this place my buddy works at. He has been at this job for years and years. He said he could easily get me in. It's like a secretarial job; assisting the people who sell computer parts, keeping track of orders, i think, and/or what-not. It's a job starting at thirty-five grand a year, guaranteed! I'm not sure if i've already mentioned all this, but i'm super excited, and will be devastated if i don't get this job! I'll get over it quick, like i do everything, but how stoked would i be if i could pay everyone i owe lickety-split! And i could get a place soon, and a car! Hopefully i can land this thing.
Eric, i guess, has called everyday... I wasn't informed of this until today, that he has been leaving messages that i never got. I was under the impression he wasn't calling. I was getting a little worried. I saw my ex boy last night. Everytime i see him i want to hang out with him, alone. I've never lost the physical attraction we always had. He's super sexy. It wasn't until last night that we hung out for real. It was always a little weird. But it would seem he's still got that attraction for me. (nothing happened between us... i swear... i also lie...) It will be left as is... him as a touring "rock star" and me as the girl he once shared something with. I'm at a miserable stand still. I've no money, no job, no absolutely wonderful friends who want to hang out, and help me to escape my almost 24 year old life, still living with my parents. It makes me feel pretty crappy. I know my parents are happy to have me back and are cool with helping me, but i've had my own space for, like, 7 years.
I'm bored with playing on the computer for now. Have a good day/ a good night.

You never know what you've got until it's gone...

2005-06-25T23:05:00.000-07:00

I believe a wise man once said that; or maybe it was a woman... Regardless, they weren't kidding! I spent too much time focusing on what Eric and my relationship was lacking. Who doesn't, right? But now that my boy is on the other side of the country, I want him back. The weird thing is, I don't even know where our relationship stands. I just wanted to go home, and he couldn't, (for some reason or another... maybe money.) Being as untrusting as I am, I'm afraid he'll jump at the opportunity to catch a "new piece of ass" (sorry for the vulgarity) and who's to say that if I meet someone, I won't see what they have to offer me. I guess it's quite obvious that this issue needs to be resolved before somebody gets hurt. Ask me why it hasn't come up, and I'd have no answer for you. I'm just babbling again. I miss "E," as I call him, and it's super-tough for me to be back home where I have no privacy, no territory of my own, (I'm sharing a room with my 16 year old sister) and I no longer have my boy, who knows me better than anyone at the moment-- emotionally, at least. Looking back at us, right now, it's hard to remember the aggravation that came up. I can't even tell if every time I got mad, it was with good reason, or if "crazy-jealous-Dawn" just requires way too much attention for her own good. I've thought that on and off with every boy I was with. Nobody's perfect, I guess, and you have to take the good with the bad, of course, but how much trial and error will it take to find someone who is as close to what I want as you might be able to get?
After being a fan of his for a while now, and seeing a lot of his work, which is so close to my sense of humor, and outlook on everyday happenings...I'm convinced that I am destined to marry Trey Parker: co-creator of numerous ingenious works, including "Cannibal the Musical," "South Park," "Orgazmo," "Team America: World Police," (which is the best movie EVER thought up) and many other pieces. Not to mention, he's super-handsome!!! So if anyone has his number, or address, please leave a comment. Preferably not one informing me that I'm obsessed...
Well, to all of you who consider my writing worth reading, thank you. Thank you to those of you who also take the time to leave a comment... Except for my mom... listen lady, I've got to live with you and hear what you have to say first hand, ALL DAY, EVERYDAY, or at least until I land a job and find a place. So please keep your comments to yourself....

Post Script: just kidding, mommy :-) I'm glad you've taken an interest in my blog. I love you, and thank you for providing me with shelter, and someone to talk to.

Oh, hello.

2005-06-23T11:27:00.000-07:00

Let's see, where was I? So after living here for 19 years, and being with Eric for about a year, I accepted his invitation to move across the country with him. I felt that I'd had enough of Arizona for at least a little while, and that moving that far away was something I could easily handle. Plus it was a great idea to get the heck away from the crowd I was hanging out with! We moved in with his brother, sister-in-law, and their children: two, and 5months. Eric's brother is probably my favorite person in the whole world. He is an awesome guy, and him and his wife were very welcoming and supportive of our moving out there to get a fresh, clean start. We stayed with them for about a month- the lack of space eventually got to us all- and Eric and I finally found an apartment about ten miles away. At first, I landed a job @ this cool little bar, but after almost two months, my boss got pancreatic cancer, and closed down the place. I was forced to take the only job available to me- an outsider of this town many had lived there for generations- at a ghetto grocery store: IGA. ----(I am not putting down those of you who are in this line of work by any means, more power to you, it takes more patience than I have to offer, I guess... I can easily deal with 15 screaming 2 year olds, and toss poopy diapers, but bagging picky old peoples' goods is not something I'll soon do again.)---- I started at $6.00 per hour, and after another couple months got a .50 cent raise. la-dee-da. Life out there was boring and expensive; AND BEAUTIFUL! I got my first taste of a real winter, moving out there in the beginning of December, and also realized what humidity really is. I dealt with winter better than I thought I would, but the humidity, you can have!!! I lasted 7 months, but eventually, really wanted my family and friends back. I moved out of my parents' when I was 16, and pretty much stayed out, but being so far away, and not having the option to see everyone was too much. We didn't even have a phone the whole time. We would have to drive the 10 miles to Bill's (eric's bro) to call anyone.
Blah, blah, blah... So I'm back here, living with the parents... TEMPORARILY, until I land a decent job or two and get my own damn place. For the first time in my life, I have this strange feeling in my gut, urging me to do good for myself. I've gone through life, just playing everything by ear. Sometimes making a lot of money, and holding my head semi-straight, other times, pawning things that didn't even belong to me so I could catch a buzz. But it's really weird- I feel like I really want to go and get a job and make myself happy. Since I ran away, I would always be in a "serious" relationship, and lived with my boyfriend, and I would live for-and do for US. I've never just been on my own, and doing for ME. I think I'm growing up, everybody.... Don't tell anyone, but I think this "don't give a shit, party-girl" has realized what I HAVE TO DO in order to be happy for real. I'm super-excited that I've found this motivation in myself, but I'm scared that it will dwindle away again, and soon I'll be back to square one- pissed and poor. I guess only time will tell. I really do think this feeling that is overwhelming my heart and mind, though, is one of maturity, and self worth. I've never felt I was even worth MY time!! Maybe this feeling is actually just an alien that has impregnated me and now there's a foreign body taking over my existence! Maybe all this motivation is the offspring, preparing to take over the world, at my expense. Call the CIA-- quick, get me exterminated!!
I think I've spilled my guts enough today, or at least for the moment... Plus I live with three teenage girls who live in this very computer chair, and I'm in the way.

Here's more than a sentence for you...

2005-06-22T17:30:00.000-07:00

I began my very eventful odyssey on this planet in Detroit, Michigan, on October second. We drove across country to live in Arizona, and arrived here on my fourth birthday. We lived in the same general area for most of my life, and I've been through some very learning experiences. While working @ this bar/grill place, I eventually met this guy that came in quite often- his sister was my manager/friend. I used to watch him walk to the bar next door and joke around that he WAS my boy, or at least,would be eventually. And how! We finally started hanging out and from the beginning, hit it off better than I'd ever imagined. We got into some pretty ugly stuff, I,soon,was a real live tweeker. We pretty much started living together right off the bat, and became completely dependant on "the shit." After ten months of all that, we were "caught," and he was sent to New York to live with his brother, and get all straightened out. When he came back after a month, we were both clean, and he had asked me to move back to New York with him...
Well, it's more than a sentence...But I gotta go. Continue eventually.

In the beginning...

2005-06-22T15:32:00.000-07:00

Back from the Empire state.