Today is the beginning of the beginning of...

huh? What's this broad talking about? Well, listen here... Travis was supposed to get out on bond Tuesday, 3:00AM. Then he was supposed to get out by 8:00PM on Tuesday. Then it was anywhere from 12:00AM-3:00AM Wednesday morning. Now he's going to go to court today, and then maybe after he gets back at about 7-8ish, they'll start processing it. So I don't know what to think. But, I've been emotionally jumbled around so much that I have lost faith in him getting out at fucking all-- not literally, he'll get there-- but it's easier to not get my hopes up, obviously.


On a more important note... Today is the day. Today, at approximately 1:00pm, I will begin my General Education development testing. Reading, Social Studies, and Science are today. Then Writing, and Mathematics will be tomorrow. So I'm gonna get going, cause Heather and I are going out to lunch first.


I'm so excited/nervous/anxious/(and let's not forget about being frustrated with not getting to see my boy...)

this is bullshit...

I seriously wrote a novel explaining the complicated week I've had earlier today. The 'website' was 'not responding.' Effing molarkey-- so here's a really choppy version, and know that there is so much more that I'm not willing to write at the moment.

Travis had a few old DUI's that he hadn't taken care of. Friday, May 12th, @ 5:45 PM, I got a call at work from one of his good friends. He had been 'picked up.' I have no idea how long he'll be in there. His parents got the best damn attorney available- they've got a comfortable amount of money to spare. He may be getting out on bond come Monday, or Tuesday. Which will be the best thing that will happen since- I don't know what. That was pretty articulate, wasn't it? I have not been able to stop thinking about him and how much I need him in my every day life since the day I received the call. We literally talked every day, from the time I woke up in the morning, til the time one of us went to bed. If one of us couldn't sleep at night, like when I couldn't sleep cause my throat was killing me, we were up and more than happy to give moral support. He has already gone through a real change. This is a serious wake-up call for him. I was beginning to think that I might love this guy before he went in, and not having him is making me think that even more. I've been talking to his mom every day, and to him about every day as well. His mother really likes me. Travis has the best parents in the world. They're great. They really care about their son, no matter what foolish things he's done in the past. I guess that's kind of a given, really. Travis and his mother got started on this new thing where they can't stand the fact that I ride my bike everywhere. Especially at night. Travis was saying that I'm going to be taking his truck to drive very soon, and when I talked to him for the second time today, said that his parents were talking about buying me a car. So, right now, the only thing I can really do, is wait to hear how long he might be put away, and when I hear that, will have to make a decision as to whether or not I'm capable of waiting. If we're lookin at five years, we're lookin at a huge possibility that I can't do that. But I can't predict the future, so who knows what will happen. All I know, is that this is the most confusing, and emotionally draining thing I've been through. I think.

Aside from that; Last night I played my first role of designated driver ever. Jeezis kryst, was it a tough job. I did pretty good with the whole not needing a drink thing, I guess. It was a little weird, but I pulled through. And, about a week ago I weighed myself, and as of today, I've lost five pounds. So, on Monday- that'll make it two weeks!!! wow!! And I've been hanging out at all the places I would if I were drinking. That's pretty much wherever I go, so that's hard to get around I suppose.


Well, That's the news. I spend all day wishing I could see my boy, half hoping he'll show up at my work in the middle of the day. Can't seem to lay the reality down in my head. At least not until I hear the end result. I'm gonna go.

miserable and stuff.

can't talk to the boy. every day of every week, my days revolve around communication with my boy. He makes me laugh. He gives me the motivation to get through the bullshit I put up with at my work. He comes to get me after work.

All of that has come screeching to a dead stop. I have to deal with no Travis cold turkey. And it hurts and it sucks. I was just saying a few days ago that I'd rather not care about someone this much cause it's too easy to hurt from it. I hurt. I am confused. I am anxious. I am impatient. I'm not hopeful. I do hope I make it through the week, but don't know what kind of shape I will be in by the end.


I still haven't had a drink. I've had more of a reason to this past weekend, but I haven't had one. I've been smoking like a fucking steam engine, but no drinks. No drinks...

OH MY FUCKING GAWD!!!

cell phone place "opens" at 9:00am. It's 9:40. Nobody's there, nobody is answering. It is imperative that I have a phone RIGHT NOW. For reasons that I will not share with you. No offense, I'd just rather not get into it just now. But I NEED a phone. I went on Friday when I got my check, and they said I should call the people and tell them what happened, and through the insurance that I accepted, have them send me a new phone. I tried that. Twice. Sat on hold for 25 minutes the second time. Then there'll be the week and a half wait for the arrival of the phone. I NEED a phone TODAY.

Went to Chuy's last night. My drinking spot. On a friday night. With my super-awesome little sister (damn near) -- and drinking partner. Got funny looks upon ordering a water, then a soda. It was sweet. Was excited to tell them of my most recent victory with myself. huh? Did that make sense? It was cool, cause I wasn't all cocky and 'i'm better than you cause EVERY ONE OF YOU PEOPLE ARE SHITFACED'-- I don't think I'm capable of thinking I'm better than anyone. And I wasn't annoyed by the sloppy noise of everyone. I was having a good time watching people have a good time. Watched some of the Suns game... pissed some people off by shouting for the Clippers. Fuck the Suns. It was sweet.

They're open now-- going to take care of business. I'll check in.

My throat hurts...

Maybe it's because I haven't even thought about a drink since last Sunday. I'm doing really well. You gotta think, for someone who has pretty much had at least three beers (or some whiskey...) per night for the last 7 years, it could be a hard thing, right? I think I should be proud. I feel better about myself. There are a lot of things that I am seeing differently now. Reality is a real thing now.


Hahaha.. reality has always been real, but beer took me away for a little while each night. It was nice.

The great thing about getting paid tomorrow, is that I need shoes, and a new cell phone (from slip 'n' sliding and kiddie pool wrestling with it...) and I have all kinds of things I need to shop for, and I'm not going to spend a penny on booze!! It's gonna be a whole new thing for me!! whoa!

Well, my throat really is killing me slowly, and painfully... prolly won't sleep much tonight, so I'm gonna get a head start on sleep time.

If you give a shit, can I get a woot woot?!?!

my heart is hurting...

and for those of you that don't really care, get lost.

My boy and I kind of had our first issue last night. You see, I'm a crazy jealous bitch, and thought I was controlling myself okay, but apparently not. Things didn't get ugly, but I have a few things in my life that I really need to sit down and think about. Like how my self esteem issues can affect my relationships in the worst way possible. And how when I get a little intoxicated it only gets worse. And I'm getting older and have nothing to show for myself but a small amount of knowledge.

My heart hurts. I have fallen really hard for this guy, and I think he likes me just as much, but I'm gonna fuck everything up if I can't control the issues that have been a part of who I am for so long. I'm sick of myself. I'm sick of letting dumb shit like this bother me. I am having a hard time really wanting to give any relationship a chance, because I hate to admit that I hurt. I don't like thinking so much about crap. I'm gonna stay away from booze for a little while. Find myself again. Or something. At least I'll save some money. And maybe drop a few pounds. Then again, if I look back on other things in my life that I was going to do to help myself, I'd have to remember that some things I haven't followed through with. Most things...? Or have I even tried to do that in a while...? At all...? I don't know, man. I'm just feeling sorry for myself because I'm confused. Feeling things confuses me. That's why i like to live without feeling. Then I can't hurt. And that's always great.

...The boy and I are fine. He just very calmly told me that he really likes me, but if this is going to work, I'm going to have to 'ignore the hype' that I have going on inside my head when I'm feeling less than what I am. That made no sense... lots of stuff up in there doesn't.